Naruto of the Seven Clans
by YAXON
Summary: Through a simple fluke, Sarutobi is forced to reveal Naruto's parentage to the major Clan Heads of the Leaf Village. And instead of entrusting the boy to just one Clan, Sarutobi forces them to 'share' the boy in a joint adoption system. Oooh this won't end well... Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

It was never Hiruzen's intention to reveal Naruto's heritage. It really wasn't. The poor boy had enough on his tiny shoulders with keeping the Nine-Tails imprisoned – he didn't need to worry about assassins hailing from Stone, Cloud, or any of the other many villages that Minato made enemies of. But luck just wasn't on the Third Hokage's side.

It was a simple fluke that Hizashi Hyuga walked into his Office a couple days after the Nine-Tails' attack. The younger brother to the Hyuga Clan had walked in on Sarutobi feeding Naruto a bottle of milk. That in itself was harmless enough, but Hizashi did a double-take when he saw Naruto's face, and that was when the trouble started. It wasn't the blond hair that set him off, or the gorgeous blue eyes, both of which Naruto inherited from his father. No. It was the shape of Naruto's face and the boy's skin tone, which he inherited from his mother, Kushina. You see, most of the village was still mourning the loss of the much beloved Fourth Hokage.

But not all of the village. No, no, no. Some people had lost other loved ones on that terrible day; other loved ones that were much more meaningful to those people personally. Kushina Uzumaki was one such person for Hizashi Hyuga. It was totally unrequited love on his part, but the young Hyuga had been smitten by the 'exotic' foreigner ever since they were children. It was simply fate that Minato got to her first and complimented her on her divine hair. Hizashi was too tongue-tied to dare approach the violent tomboy.

It didn't take a genius to put two-and-two together to work out that it was Minato got Kushina pregnant. Minato was the only boy/teenage boy/man that openly fraternized with Kushina _without_ fear of possible bodily harm. Yet Hizashi had _not yet_ been made aware that the baby had survived that horrible night. He had been out of the village on a mission at the time, and had simply heard from his brother that another Jinchuriki had been created – Hiashi had not been able to disclose the Jinchuriki's identity.

And it was for that reason alone that Hiruzen knew that his hand would be forced. Hizashi wouldn't simply let Kushina's progeny go to the orphanage when he was of age; hell, it took Hiruzen outright _ordering_ Jiraiya back out into the field to uphold his spy network so that Jiraiya wouldn't adopt the boy. Hizashi would not be cowed like Jiraiya; he had been far too smitten with Kushina to do so, and he would do everything in his damned power even as a Branch Member of the Hyuga to make sure Naruto's life was 'pampered'. That basically meant Hizashi would go to his brother about it, _reveal_ Naruto's parentage, and thus tempt Hiashi into adopting the boy.

Hiruzen couldn't let that happen. Not because he wanted Naruto's life to be miserable, but because that would start a domino effect. Other prominent Clan Heads would begin to look at the boy more closely and see what the Hyuga saw. The Uchiha. The Nara. The Inuzuka. Basically all of the Hidden Leaf's major Clans would figure out Naruto's parentage, and then it would leak outside the village, and Naruto would have the problem of assassins and kidnappers.

Hiruzen was not overthinking this, it _would_ happen, damn it. Though they'd grown apart, Minato's generation had been closely-knit once. It would come together again once they discovered Minato's son survived. So Hiruzen had a choice before him: Kill Hizashi and gain Hiashi's ire, or let events progress naturally. _Or_ … Option C.

"Hizashi… I know what you're thinking. But before you take action, please notify your brother that there will be a Clan Head Meeting about it tonight. I…" Hiruzen heaved a sigh when Hizashi twitched slightly and disappeared in a shunshin. He then motioned to his Anbu guard to get word out to Fugaku, Shikaku, Inoichi, Choza, Tsume, and Shibi about the impromptu meeting.

It was going to be a looong night.

* * *

"So, Lord Hokage… Let me get this straight." Shikaku drawled as he leaned forward on the rectangular table that the eight Clan Heads (Sarutobi included) were gathered around. "It _wasn't_ a random orphan that Minato chose to house the Nine-Tailed Fox, but his own _son_? Kushina being the mother?"

Taking a deep intake of breath, knowing the pandemonium that was about to ensue, Sarutobi nodded firmly. He was not disappointed when each of the other seven Clan Heads started yelling over one another about how they were going to be the one to adopt Minato's son. Shikaku and Shibi included, but then, Minato had been a great Shogi partner, so of _course_ he was going to feel attachment to the blond baby… And Minato had been known to save as many parasitic insects from the brink of death as he could manage when out on the battlefield, so Shibi held a deep respect for the former Hokage.

Naruto would get to be Shikamaru-kun's baby brother. Or Shino-kun's. Sarutobi had no doubts about that.

" _Enough_!" Sarutobi roared after a few minutes of loud, heated arguing; a tick mark was on his forehead. "I knew this would happen eventually, so that is precisely why I am having this meeting now. No single Clan will be adopting Naruto; you are all far too attached to the boy because of his father, and I will not tolerate a civil war over him.

Hiruzen held up his hand before Hiashi could speak out against him.

"You will listen. Do not say anything before I give you permission to speak, and for _Kami's sake_ , put your weapons _away_. We are shinobi, warriors, but that does not make us barbarians. Perhaps there is no honor among us like there is among the samurai, but I can _guarantee_ that my suggestion should satisfy a majority of you, _at the very least_. Now. No _single_ Clan will be adopting Naruto. That is favoritism, and will merely encourage civil unrest. I propose a joint adoption amongst the major Clans of the Hidden Leaf – all of you. For your sake, I will abstain from adopting the boy with you, but in return, I expect you to honor the agreement you will be signing tonight. No backstabbing diplomacy. If I hear a hint of you trying to get more time with Naruto, I will personally see to it that you are punished accordingly, and that you will not have Naruto under your roof for a set period of time."

Having spoken his peace, Sarutobi distributed the contracts, which basically specified each Clan would get a period of thirty days with the boy in a cycle over the years – Hyuga-Uchiha-Nara-Yamanaka-Aburame-Akimichi-Inuzuka. And depending on if there were any infractions from a Clan, the 'schedule' was liable to change, but the set amount of days would never go up or down. Clans were free to raise the boy as they saw fit, but they were not allowed to raise Naruto to dislike any of the other Clans, nor attempt to teach the boy their Clans' signature Jutsu.

That last one was largely because Sarutobi didn't need Naruto becoming a precedent for future generations. Keep the Clan Jutsu within their respective Clans. Besides, who knew what effect the Nine-Tails' Chakra would have on those Jutsu; the boy would possibly become more 'valuable', and thus encourage backstabbing diplomacy.

This was already too much of a headache without that.

The contract had more detailed stipulations, but everyone basically agreed to it and signed away. It seemed arbitrarily fair; everyone would get the chance to raise Naruto, and he'd grow up in his own unique way. On paper, anyway. But we all know that the poor boy would be influenced seven different ways.

Naruto would become quite the interesting individual. Psychologists and historians would probably want to dissect and study him for centuries even after his death.

* * *

Hiashi frowned on his last night with the son of Minato for that month. He didn't like the idea of… sharing… the blond. He got enough competition with Hizashi as it was; allowing plebeians to raise him in their backwoods' ways was not befitting a child adopted by the prestigious Hyuga Clan.

But… he had to play nice, or go without Naruto for nearly a year. That would not stand.

As Hiashi tucked Naruto in for the night, Hiashi happened to take a sniff by accident. Then he took another sniff to make sure he wasn't smelling things.

Yup. It was _that_ time again. And by the smell of it, Naruto had laid a landmine in his diaper.

"Take the boy to the Uchiha Clan Compound and drop it off on Fugaku's doorstep. Immediately." Hiashi ordered a Branch House member, who did not look too happy to be holding a smelly, bawling baby that desperately needed his diaper changed. Hiashi would sympathize with him, but he was _not_ going to be changing anymore diapers that month. It was Uchiha's turn.

* * *

 **Author's Note: I'd been thinking of starting a fic with this premise for the past couple days, but the scene at the end here pretty much clinched it for me. I literally laughed out loud when that popped into my head; oh, Hiashi. XD**

 **How many chapters will this be? I dunno. I don't have a set plan for this one, kinda like how I don't have one for 'It was Anticlimactic'. But this one will be in shorter chapters, as you can tell. It'll just be a bunch of loosely-knit scenarios that show Naruto at various stages in life, bouncing from Clan to Clan from month to month. The idea was heavily inspired by 'Handlers of the Jinchuriki', but obviously instead of specific people as 'handlers', it'll be Naruto's various adopted families.**

 **This won't end well, will it? lol Good times ahead, I hope.**


	2. Chapter 2

Mikoto Uchiha watched slightly in concern as her eldest son attempted to balance his attention between his younger brothers. Yes, she considered Naruto to be family; how could she not? This was Kushina-chan's and Minato-kun's progeny! Unlike her husband who detested sharing the blond baby with the other Clans, Mikoto was okay with it… Just as long as Kushina-chan's son was properly taken care of. Spying on all of the other families wasn't creepy at all, especially considering not a single one had detected her presence yet.

But… all the same. Itachi was taking a lot of responsibility and piling it all solely on his shoulders. Mikoto had made an offhanded comment one day about how hard it was going to be rejoining the Police Force actively AND taking care of the babies, and that was when Itachi-kun solemnly promised he would do the latter so that she wouldn't be overworked. Oh, he was just so precious. He was even doing an admirable job of taking care of the pair of babies.

Yet Mikoto could see that sooner or later, Itachi would be driven to insanity with showering the babies with enough attention and love. You simply could not neglect one over the other, which is why Mikoto had suggested bringing in someone else, perhaps Shisui-kun since he was a little older, but Itachi had _insisted_ he could handle it.

So Mikoto allowed him a loose hand for the time being. Just until it obviously became too much for the boy; she had to admire the overprotective older brother complex he was developing, because she could swear it was just the most adorable thing ever, and it might even border on the creepy someday, if he became obsessive enough. Obsessive like slaughtering the rest of the Clan _except_ his brothers and then conjuring a plan that would manipulate them into killing him to restore honor to the Uchiha, for whatever reason.

Though Mikoto couldn't realistically see that happening. Not for years and years to come – decades even, if _ever_. Itachi didn't have a reason to wipe them all out.

* * *

"Yoshino, where did you get this milk?" Shikaku asked his wife with a light scowl on his face as he held up he held up the baby formula she had recently purchased.

Feeling like there was nothing to hide, Yoshino told him. She blinked when he was pretty much out the door with the bottle in hand just as she wrapped up her explanation.

"Where are you going?"

"I have a feeling somebody knows who we've got under our roof this month. This milk expired two weeks ago. Apparently, I'm going to have to go roll some heads so this doesn't happen again." Shikaku responded curtly without turning around.

Yoshino gasped at the revelation; she'd been so quick to believe the label, but evidently her husband felt the need personally inspect it. Boy, was she glad that Shikaku could be paranoid when it mattered. Without missing a beat, Yoshino grabbed her 'torture whip' – the one made of razor wire and not rawhide, which was used for… other… activities… - and ran after her husband.

"Wait up, dear! You can have what's left over when _I'm_ through with them!"

From there it was a race to the store. Yoshino was currently more in shape, so she managed to beat her husband there by a lot. The helpless screams of the clerks were music to Shikaku's ears when he got there.

* * *

Choza had to laugh when he got the luck of the draw so-to-speak when it came his turn to have Naruto under his roof. He'd heard no one bragging yet about Naruto saying his first word, so clearly he hadn't said any before this. It wasn't "dada" or "mama" or even "Choji". Naruto's first word had been a food. And while Choza would have preferred something slightly more refined, hey, it was a pretty darn good food if it wasn't that commercial, cheap crap.

Naruto's first word had been "ramen".

* * *

It didn't take very long to discover that Naruto took after his mother more than his father. Tsume had taken her eyes off of him for, like fifteen seconds, twenty seconds tops, to feed her dogs and the mischievous baby had climbed out of his playpen and crawled through one of the many dog flaps scattered around the Inuzuka Clan Head's household, and had _amazingly_ got past the security guard at the gate to the Compound, who just _happened_ to be catching a few Z's simply because he was 'overworked' or something that week.

Well, when Tsume was through with him, he wouldn't be sleeping on the job ever again, that was for sure. She didn't have the time to give him a proper tongue-lashing, though, because she had a mischievous baby to round back up. Why no one bothered to stop Naruto before he miraculously got out to the Training Grounds, Tsume didn't know. What she did know was that she would never be letting Naruto out of her sight again, because that boy had made it all the way into the Forest of Death on his very first escape attempt.

Even for a naïve baby, Naruto had to have some brass balls to want to go in there. Saving the blond from a tiger that appeared to accept Naruto as a new cub had _not_ been fun. Even with Kuromaru's help. The blond even seemed to _enjoy_ having a bigass tiger as a playmate. That's how unlucky Tsume was. And if she had any say in it, not a word of her "negligence" would leak out. It wasn't her fault Naruto was such a crafty baby!

* * *

Tsume wasn't the only to make a classical mistake when raising Naruto. Inoichi had the distinct misfortune of leaving his kunai holster out on the counter and idly forgetting it as he set Naruto down on that same counter to step away and make up that baby formula. By the time he realized his mistake, it was already too late. Naruto had picked out a kunai from the holster and started gleefully slamming it down on the counter with its sharp end down, leaving sizeable scratches.

Inoichi tried to run over to stop Naruto before he hurt himself, but like it was on instinct, the boy had held the kunai sideways, 'aimed' it, and threw it. Of course… Naruto's aim from Inoichi's chest had been a bit off, and had gone below the belt. Mere _centimeters_ from skewering Inoichi's, ah… testicles…

Not knowing that what he'd done had been a 'bad' thing, little Naruto clapped and giggled at the pained expressions Inoichi was making as he doubled over on his knees and took deep breaths. Inoichi didn't know whether to call that 'angelic, tinkling laughter', or 'well-disguised demonic laughter'. It was a tossup.

* * *

A few years later, young Neji Hyuga didn't know whether to be grateful or to fear the little 'terror' that was Uzumaki Naruto. On the one hand, Naruto escaping from his bedroom in the dead of night even with a Hyuga adult 'guarding' it sort of filled him with dread. On the other, had not the blond prankster happened across the Cloud-nin with Lady Hinata slung over his shoulder, Neji had a feeling that Lord Hiashi would have done something he would've regretted, like killing the Cloud-nin in a fit of rage.

The reason Hiashi let the man live? Little Naruto thought it was a game that the Cloud-nin was playing, and so had playfully stuck a decently sharp stick kunai up the Cloud-nin's asshole. Clearly that was a fate worse than death, as the Cloud-nin's tortured screams could attest to, and so Hiashi had merely patted Naruto on the head before sending him back to his bedroom with no punishment whatsoever.

From what Neji had heard days after the incident, the Third Hokage, the Council, and the Hyuga Elders seeking retribution from the Hidden Cloud for its attempted kidnapping; and were using the 'Head Ninja' as a sort of hostage until negotiations could be worked out. Coming to a decision, Neji had been glad that Naruto had interfered, no matter how juvenile the brat could be at times. At least now his father wouldn't be used as a scapegoat or something. Of course he was terrified of Naruto doing a repeat performance on _his_ buttocks, so he was staying far, _faaar_ away from Naruto for a while.

* * *

Frankly, Fugaku didn't know what was worse. The fact that Naruto shattered all of their home's windows in an attempt to learn a Shuriken Exercise that Itachi was trying to teach him and Sasuke, the fact that his prized vegetable garden was all uprooted and trampled on, or that all of the red portions of the Uchiha crest all along the walls of the Compound had been painted neon orange. Then again, there was also the fact that his own flesh and blood (Sasuke _and_ Itachi) had helped the boy in different pranks – Sasuke the garden and Itachi the walls.

Who knew Itachi had a mischievous streak in him, too? Then again, that could be the brother complex at work.

* * *

 **Author's Note: I love you all so much. I was expecting, like, four or five people at maximum to peek at this today – and I wake up to find nineteen notifications from this site. And even more throughout the day. I really hadn't expected this to go over that well, so here's an extra treat for making nearly shed Youthful tears of joy and gratitude. XD**

 **In reply to the question about "romances"… Frankly, probably not. At least not huge romantic scenes; references at best, if anything. I don't particularly want to alienate people because of pairings; this is meant to be funny and not shippy. Though I have recently considered people like Inoichi and Hiashi trying to get their daughters to date (and later marry) the blond when they hit their teens to cement his "ties" with their respective Clans. If you guys wanna see that somewhat later on, I'll oblige, but only a little 'cause I kinda learned my lesson with Kushina. It does get stale after a while of making Kushina-chan so "powerful" and "scary"; I still find it funny, but some others find that stale. So if I do the overcompetitiveness between Ino and Hinata, THAT might get stale after a while. That's just my thoughts, though.**


	3. Chapter 3

It came as no surprise that the first Clan to go without Naruto for a month was the Uchiha. Not because of trying to get more 'Naruto time' or trying to teach Naruto an Uchiha Jutsu, no. The Uchiha were too clever to go for the obvious. No, what angered Sarutobi enough to take their 'Naruto time' away was the simple fact that Fugaku had instructed a clansman to teach Naruto a Jutsu that 'most shinobi knew'.

The shunshin.

And not just the shunshin, but _Shisui's_ version of it. The bastard had ordered the boy to pass his secret mastery of the technique to the blond child who had just turned seven-years-old. All because Fugaku was sour over Sarutobi denying Naruto early entry into the Academy; laws had changed since Itachi was in the Academy, and Sarutobi didn't want any other 'geniuses' to arise. From Sarutobi's point-of-view, Fugaku wasn't content with a boy that had developed a severe Older Brother Complex, and he wanted to risk something happening to Minato's child just because he 'knew' Naruto could handle the pressure.

If Sarutobi was a lesser, spiteful man, he would have put Fugaku on permanent babysitting duty for Naruto. Kami knows the boy was fast enough WITHOUT a shunshin that didn't require hand seals. The little hellion of a prankster was running circles around some of the Hidden Leaf's finest already – this would just ensure Naruto could escape if he was ever cornered. The boy might even leave the safety of the Hidden Leaf if he was terrified enough of the adult civilians who hated him, who didn't know about his heritage. What if an enemy ninja came across him? What if he caught two people in the act of sexual intercourse?! What if…? What if…?

Damn it, he was having panic attacks already! He needed his damn pipe and special tobacco.

* * *

The shunshin wasn't the worst thing Naruto learned from the Uchiha Clan. No, Fugaku's teachings went deeper than that. Naruto was going to become the second coming of Minato no matter what, and the only way that was going to happen… was through _training._ Though in hindsight, if Hiruzen knew about this aspect of Naruto's, ah, training, Fugaku would probably have been court-martialed. The fact that it was subtle and could be chalked up to Naruto-chan wanting to mimic his foster families and their unique character traits was the only thing saving Fugaku from the punishment he deserved.

But it would come back to bite him one day… because little Naruto-chan, at the age of seven, was developing eight different personalities. The first was, of course, his natural personality and charisma. The stuff he inherited from Kushina. The other seven were personalities he gleaned from the seven Clans that were taking care of him – Uchiha, Hyuga, Aburame, Inuzuka, Yamanaka, Nara, and Akimichi.

For you see, Fugaku had given little Naruto a very impactful speech on the importance of building a 'cover', and since Fugaku didn't explain the concept very well due to the young age Naruto-chan was at, the boy assumed he needed to act like the individual Clans that he was raised with. The Hyuga personality with the Hyuga, the Nara personality with the Nara, and so forth. It was real tough at first, getting down tics like the Uchiha Patented Hn, being lazy like the Nara, but Naruto _did_ it. He got to the point that feeling Uchiha, Inuzuka, Akimichi, _whichever Clan_ he was attempting to be, it all felt natural to him.

So little Naruto-chan had an interesting case of multiple personality disorder. But it wasn't random, and Naruto got to the point that he could change the personalities on a dime. Implying that a _ninth_ personality had developed to control the rest, and the scary part was that it wasn't Naruto's 'inner darkness' that was doing it. Hell, that part of Naruto's being was so overloaded with the different personalities that the poor thing was off sobbing in a distant corner of Naruto's mind, being comforted by the Nine-Tails, who was kinda amazed the boy had become so complex.

Not even Naruto was consciously aware of the ninth personality, though. _No one_ knew. Naruto knew he had to keep up his covers, and the adults and kids all passed it off as Naruto being an innocent kid and wanting to be like them. How were they to know that Naruto's character was so fragmented to the point that it was probably best if Inoichi took a look at him? The boy seemed to have his little game under control, why spoil the fun?

It was great fun at parties.

* * *

"Where's Naruto?" Little Choji Akimichi asked, having just arrived at Shikamaru's birthday party.

"He's out back with Shikamaru." Shikaku explained to the Akimichi boy, who ran off to be with his friends.

Choji ran up to the two boys with a potato chip bag in hand. He found it odd that Naruto was in the exact same position as Shikamaru, 'cause he never seemed to care one way or another for cloud-watching while he was at his family's place. But here, he seemed right at home.

"Hey, Naruto! I brought you a bag of chips!"

Like flipping a switch, Naruto sat up excitedly and tore into the huge bag like a wolf.

"Thanks, Choji! I was _starving_!"

Shikamaru's brows knit together at Naruto's declaration. Just a couple minutes ago, he and the blond had turned down their mother's offer for lunch, both agreeing they weren't hungry yet. Then they continued lazily watching the clouds. Now Choji comes along, and suddenly it's like he's Choji's clone.

It only gets weirder from there.

"Naruto! Don't you know junk food's not good for you?! Help me get these lazybones to play a few rounds of Musical Chairs!" Ino Yamanaka bossily stomped up the trio, and like flipping another switch, Naruto was acting just like Ino.

"You're right! I don't wanna get _fat_!" Naruto flippantly tossed the bag of chips away, and proceeded to boisterously boss Shikamaru and Choji around.

Well, after Choji punched him into a tree for implying _he_ was fat.

"You don't have to act like each of us, Naruto…" Shikamaru feebly pointed out. Naruto only further pushed him along.

"Dunno what you're talkin' about. Move your lazy butt! Get your rear in gear!" Naruto barked.

Shikamaru sweatdropped and decided to drop the issue. He _probably_ didn't want to know whatever the hell Naruto thought he was doing.

* * *

Most of the time Naruto's 'cover' was flawless, though. Most of the time he was just hanging about the individual Clan Compounds, and didn't have to worry about friends coming over for visits.

"He _does_ know he doesn't have a hive like you and Shino, right?" Shibi's wife whispered to him. They were watching Shino and Naruto 'playing' in the back, interacting with the parasitic insects.

Oddly enough, Naruto didn't seem to be scaring the bugs away.

"… Yes, but it is so… adorable." Shibi replied softly, touched that Minato's boy would be this kind to the parasitic insects.

Shibi's wife found it weird, but wasn't about to shatter her husband's evident cheer. Hey, she married into the Aburame Clan, so even if she found the Aburame way of interacting with bugs on a regular basis as slightly disturbing, she wouldn't speak out against it because that was taboo and rude (to the Aburame, anyway). Besides, Shibi's wife wouldn't let a few… colonies… of parasitic insects get in-between her happy marriage with Shibi.

It must've been the coat. So alluring and mysterious, covering up so much of Shibi's body.

* * *

"You do realize you are abusing Branch House members for no good reason," Hizashi deadpanned as he locked eyes with his brothers.

Hiashi shrugged helplessly as he turned back to little Naruto-chan mimicking the hand sign that he sometimes used to discipline Branch House members by activating their Caged Bird Seals.

"I can't help it… It's so adorable." Hiashi chuckled with mirth as he himself carried out the actual discipline without Naruto's knowledge.

It wasn't Naruto-chan's fault that he couldn't actually discipline Branch House Members. It took more than a hand sign; it took a Main House Member being attuned to the Caged Bird Seal, and that Naruto-chan did not have going for him. So rather than disappoint Minato's son – the horror! – Hiashi secretly followed him around, and whenever Naruto tried to discipline someone over the slightest infraction, Hiashi would be in range to do it.

Sure, it irked the Branch House, especially Hizashi, but Naruto-chan's smile meant the world to Hiashi.

Hizashi huffed and began to walk away from his brother.

"Just a head's up. If you activate my Seal or Neji's when Naruto tries to do that, I _will_ Sixty Four Palms you in the balls. Don't test me."

Hiashi shivered at the threat, but quickly nodded in agreement. He could only hope Naruto didn't try that, or he might have a crisis on his hands… Naruto-chan's happiness, or to keep his fertility intact… Truly a difficult decision.

* * *

"Mom," Little Hana called over to the woman in a hushed voice as she pointed at the scene. "Naruto _does_ know that's a tiger, right? Not a dog?"

Tsume shivered. Naruto knew perfectly well that wasn't a damn dog. But he thought it would be okay to keep a 'kitty' on the Inuzuka premises, since the Inuzuka all had pets, too. Naruto-chan just had the horrible luck of choosing the one 'kitty' that would never become dog chow, the one he'd come to know ever since that little run-in with it in the Forest of Death. And unfortunately for Tsume, Hiruzen made her _promise_ not to release whatever pet Naruto wanted to keep; it was just Tsume's misfortune that the brat couldn't take his 'pet' with him when he hopped from Clan to Clan.

Why oh _why_ did the brat want a _tiger_ for a pet?!

* * *

 **Author's Note: I know at least one person wanted to see the tiger again (around Chunin Exam time), but this seemed much more dreadfully amusing. XD And in regards to the 'ninth' personality… we'll be seeing it crop up in the future. I will only give you one hint as to what it will be like: Souta Sarushiro. That's it. XD**


	4. Chapter 4

The real trouble for Naruto began when he started the Academy with the kids he'd been raised with. You could say that all the Clan heirs and sibling to a Clan heir together in one place for a good portion of the day was a bad thing. Naruto simply couldn't maintain all seven of his Clan covers while there at the Academy…

So he defaulted to his natural persona.

Now, you might think this is a good thing, because the kids growing up with Naruto got to have a glimpse of the 'real' Naruto. But the Academy instructors would beg to differ; they were honestly at a loss with how to treat Naruto's academic standing. How to grade him, evaluate him, etc. This is because Naruto wanted to have a cover in every setting, and no one had bothered to correct the boy's understanding of a "cover". Frankly, everyone was still under the impression that Naruto was playing some sort of game.

Basically, Naruto wanted to be the class Dead Last, even with all the goodies he got from the Clans to help him academically and as a shinobi. If he ever – and we do mean _ever_ – did something halfway decent, Naruto would make some sort of threatening gesture that would promise the instructor pain and misery if he called Naruto on his "slipup" and gave him a passable grade.

Poor Iruka ended up being the last man standing when all the other instructors refused to teach Naruto's class on account of being "pranked" for ruining the boy's "cover". The brunet didn't even have an Assistant anymore, because poor Mizuki had a run-in with Naruto's pet kitty, Kogan Saidanki.

Testicle Shredder. On account that the tiger had a tendency to, well… 'go nuts'.

Poor, poor Mizuki.

So for the last couple of years of Naruto's education, his sole teacher was Iruka. Hiruzen Sarutobi was none the wiser to Naruto's mischief-making because few of the pranks could actually be traced back to Naruto. And the boy caught no flak for Mizuki due to the simple fact that the man was secretly a traitor and spy for Orochimaru. So the boy had done the village a service in that regard, even if the method he used was slightly… savage.

It should have been really simple for Iruka. He'd seen the consequences happen to his coworkers. _All_ he had to do was fail the boy in everything. Simple. But then you factor in Parent-Teacher Conferences, and then things get… awkward.

* * *

"Um… Lord Hiashi? You can go. I need to talk to the next parent." Iruka told the man sternly. Student confidentiality was very important to the brunet teacher. A heated glare was what he got for his troubles.

"You spoke of Hinata. I need to speak to you in regards to Naruto. He is slipping again…"

 _'Not you too…'_ Iruka whimpered. Aloud, he said, "V-Very well… go wait next door with the, er… other parents for that particular child. You're the sixth one that's asked about him, and I'm sure Choza will want to have a word, too."

With a decisive nod, Hiashi strode out of the classroom with a pompous air. Iruka surreptitiously drank from a flask that contained sake. Funny, before Naruto, Iruka drank alcohol in moderation. He'd long since learned the folly of doing so, because he needed _something_ to make the horrible memories go away. Parent Teacher Conferences were once such thing. On the one hand, he _wasn't_ being fair to Naruto academically. The boy was above being a Dead Last.

On the other, he knew what was waiting for him if he ever raised Naruto's grades even slightly. It wasn't his fault! Naruto _wanted_ everyone to underestimate him. Naruto's parents wanted him at the top, "where he belonged". And Iruka was trapped in the middle.

* * *

To add insult to injury, Iruka's students were plotting against him.

"Iruka-sensei's being totally unfair to Naruto!" Ino Yamanaka punched the air in aggravation and gritted her teeth. "Daddy still hasn't found a way to make that man see reason. I vote we make that man's life a living hell until he makes Naruto Rookie of the Year! Cha!"

Sasuke snorted and shook his head.

"Naruto's good, but not _that_ good, Ino. _I'm_ Rookie of the Year, Naruto is… the second best student." _Close_ second. He didn't want to insult Naruto's skills, but he also didn't want to admit that the boy was possibly better than him. If he couldn't be better than Naruto, then what chance did he have of eventually escaping Itachi's shadow? "I'm with you there, though. Iruka's gotta pay."

As some of the Clan heirs started throwing ideas about, Sakura Haruno leaned over to Choji.

"Um… Not that I'm ungrateful, but why was I dragged into this? Naruto's so annoying, asking me for dates all the time!"

Choji sweatdropped and slightly sympathized with Sakura. But only slightly. Sakura should be _grateful_ that Naruto was asking her out. That was Choji's theory, anyway.

"Probably because Ino forgot your family isn't in the rotation. Naruto was adopted by all of our parents, so it's kind of important that we get Iruka-sensei back for being unfair to Naruto. He's our brother, y'know?"

Sakura went quiet at this explanation.

 _'Naruto was adopted by all the major Clan Heads…? I mean, I guess that was obvious, but I never really noticed that before. Naruto-baka's always been Naruto-baka. Why would the Clan Heads…?'_ Sakura made a strange choking sound as it hit her like a ton of bricks. She just so happened to see _his_ photograph in the history book today as she skimmed it. The similarity was uncanny now that she envisioned Naruto's face. His shock yellow hair. His clear blue eyes.

How the hell had no one noticed up 'til now? Was Ino aware of it? Were all these Clan kids in on it?!

Everyone seemed to stop in their nefarious plots as they each heard Sakura's muffled screech.

"Sakura? You okay?" Ino asked her best friend, who shook her head and stared accusingly at the lot of them.

"You're all selfish, keeping Naruto for yourselves! I'm telling my parents!" Sakura bolted out of the clearing they were in, leaving a bunch of confused Clan heirs behind.

"What's her problem?" Kiba muttered. He received a bunch of shrugs and "I dunno"s in reply. Civilian kids were weird.

* * *

Sarutobi felt like slamming his head on his desk, but alas he could not do it for fear that it would scatter the ever-present paperwork. He'd just gotten a request from a civilian clan for the adoption of one Naruto Uzumaki on account of his "heritage". He _knew_ this would happen if word leaked out! It wasn't just the Clan Heads that would be tempted to adopt Minato's child; the boy was practically royalty, even though he also had a "demon" in his gut.

Apparently heritage trumped demon, even in the eyes of civilians.

"No, no, _no_ …" Sarutobi stamped his Rejection on the adoption paper, absolutely refusing to let another family wiggle into the rotation. It was bad enough that the seven Clans were barely tolerant of one another; there was no way they would accept a couple of _civilians_.

Unfortunately for Hiruzen, the Harunos could hold a grudge when they wanted to. If they didn't get their way, then they would seek revenge, come hell or high water. And the best revenge was spreading word of Naruto's lineage to the other poor, ignorant civilian clans that were being "shafted" when it came to the Fourth Hokage's son.

The good news? Hiruzen was able to shut the Harunos, and whoever they got word out to, before it got _too_ far. The bad news? Hiruzen got about nineteen more adoption requests, all of which he Rejected in rapid succession. If the original seven Clans didn't kill him for allowing the civvies in on the monthly rotation, then they would just end up killing as many civilian families as they could get away with, because going for nearly two years without Naruto in such a rotation would simply be _**unacceptable**_. And Hiruzen _really_ didn't want the massacre of twenty civilian families on his hands.

* * *

"Darn. I failed the Graduation Exam again." Naruto snapped his fingers in disappointment. He waited for the other test-takers to get their chance, and then he approached his Sensei. "Iruka-sensei, is there some kind of extra credit assignment I could do to barely pass? I really wanna be a ninja, dattebayo."

Iruka was sweating buckets at the wide, "innocent" eyes Naruto was showing him. If he didn't come up with something on the fly, he was likely going to get a surprise nightly visit from Kogan. And that was something Iruka could _really_ do without.

"U-Um… Well… I-I-I suppose you c-could… steal the Forbidden Scroll from the Hokage Tower and learn a Jutsu from it. BUT WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT TO DO IT!" Iruka was quick to add.

Kami knew Iruka would need the time to go to the Hokage about it. Oh, he'd be chewed out for suggesting something so irresponsible, but in fairness, Naruto _couldn't_ do the regular Clone Jutsu, so that was one aspect of school he genuinely failed at. The Shadow Clone Jutsu was doubtlessly on that scroll with it being so Chakra-exhaustive, so Naruto could learn that and "pass" like he wanted to.

Moreover, Iruka needed the extra time to plead with the Hokage to really put on a show with guarding that scroll. Naruto _absolutely could not_ find this to be easy – Kami help Iruka if the blond did. If he found the extra credit to be easy, he'd probably sic Kogan on him. And Iruka really wanted to be a dad someday.

* * *

 **"Huh. I didn't know you had the power to come in here so soon, brat. No one's told you about me yet."**

"I dunno what you mean, dattebayo. I closed my eyes and tried brainstorming ways to steal the Forbidden Scroll, and suddenly I'm in a sewer with a fox trapped in a cage. What is all this? Dattebayo."

The Nine-Tails twitched at the verbal tic.

 **"Just like Kushina… Great."** The beast rumbled.

"Kushina?" Naruto raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

Needless to say, the Nine-Tails face palmed. He forgot it was hard to keep secrets from the brat in here. But then inspiration struck like a bolt of lightning. That ninth personality probably orchestrated this little meet-and-greet, so why not feed it information? It was probably for the best to stay on the brat's good side. Nine-Tails really had no leg to stand on with the boy's 'inner darkness' so traumatized by the boy's special case of split personality, and besides, the boy would be much more entertaining than the previous prisons.

Sic'ing the tiger on that one teacher assistant guy had been nearly made the Nine-Tails choke on his laughter, and he didn't 'breathe' like humans did!

 **"You see, Naruto, it all started when you were born…"** The Nine-Tails grinned, showing off his many teeth, and the blond listened with rapt attention.

It was an eye-opening experience, hearing all about his heritage and the circumstances that led up to his joint adoption, dattebayo.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Here's another treat for being so awesome, guys. Laughter is the best medicine, and I can only hope to keep up the entertainment.**

 **mnsr26cats: Bully for you, you actually did the research. Probably woulda been better if you watched playthroughs of Ace Attorney Investigations 2, but you got the gist of it. The only thing I can say is that the 'vengeance' thing might be a tad different with the ninth personality, and he might not be so 'bitter' per se; beyond that, I can't wait to reveal it. It's gonna be glorious. XD**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Welcome back! :D**

 **Thanks for all the reviews, guys!**


	5. Chapter 5

Time passed, and Naruto's Genin team was sent on its first C-Rank mission.

But you're all probably wondering about what happened _before_ that. Well, needless to say there was a quick, dirty fight about the placement of teams. Naruto learned a Jutsu off the Forbidden Scroll – or at least people _thought_ he only picked up a single Jutsu – so it was argued that a boy capable of not only stealing the Forbidden Scroll but learning a technique without killing himself couldn't _possibly_ be a Dead Last.

So Sarutobi had a headache on his hands, with Naruto once again being involved in a massive tug-of-war. Only no one was willing to share this time, _couldn't_ share because this was a _Genin team_ and not adoption, and he had the additional headache of Jonin lining up to be Naruto's instructor. This was further complicated by the _esteemed_ Clans of the Hidden Leaf being snooty and turning their noses up at certain Jonin.

But you're probably wondering why the Jonin were interested in Naruto. Well, that's a story for another day really, but the abbreviated story was that Kakashi Hatake was a petty sonuvabitch who spread word around the Jonin lounge when Sarutobi potentially considered passing him up as Naruto's teacher…

And after Kakashi had _promised_ Minato-sensei and Kushina-sama at their graves that he would take Naruto under his wing! The nerve of that heartless Third Hokage.

Oh, retirement was definitely looking more appealing by the day, but Sarutobi couldn't be petty and pass the hat off to the Hatake brat in revenge. Who knew what havoc Hatake would wreak, what with the Naruto Complex he had going on…

It got to the point that Sarutobi decided he would put his foot down. Naruto certainly didn't give a rat's ass about what team he'd be on; he just wanted people to underestimate him. And the Clan Heads were being annoying, whiny five-year-old brats who were pretending they were fairy princesses that absolutely _had_ to have their way because they were so "pure".

… Or something like that. That's all that Sarutobi was seeing.

Sarutobi was going with his initial plan of putting Naruto on a team with Sasuke and Sakura. Too much of a hassle to rearrange the teams in that regard. All that was left was to choose the Jonin Leader. Now, who to choose.

Not Hatake. Sarutobi didn't care what 'promises' were made. If that impudent brat couldn't bother to get over his team's death and adopt Naruto – thus saving Sarutobi the trouble of creating this Joint Adoption system in the first place – or hell, even just introduce himself and be _friends_ with Naruto, then he didn't deserve to train a boy he was "entitled" to.

Besides, Hatake would probably neglect the other two, and Sarutobi was not going to show Naruto favoritism and put him in an apprenticeship. He was going to be in a four-man cell like everyone else!

But who else, who else… Not Asuma. That risked Naruto picking up smoking, and more than one Clan would have a beef with that (Inuzuka at the forefront). Kurenai-chan wasn't a bad choice, but her skillset clashed with Naruto's somewhat. Naruto genuinely sucked at Genjutsu. And the blond didn't have 'tracker' material. – nor did Sasuke or Sakura for that matter. Well, okay, Sasuke might if given the time to awaken his Sharingan, but… again with the matter of playing favorites.

Not Ebisu. **No**. Sarutobi might've been okay with his fellow closet pervert, but if it _ever_ became public knowledge that he placed Naruto under the wing of a pervert, it would be his head on the chopping block (not Ebisu's – that would be too merciful). Another reason that Kakashi was unqualified. He was a **raging** pervert with that pervertedly perverted book of his flaunted about so casually. The pervert.

Even though Sarutobi collected the same series of books.

Aoba was terrible at keeping confidential secrets, so he'd be a bad fit for Team Seven. Genma knew the Flying Thunder God (even if it took him and two others to perform it), and Sarutobi did _not_ want to give Naruto more speed. Kami knew the boy had enough of it with that Shisui-style shunshin of his. Ibiki wasn't in danger of dying anytime soon, so he didn't need little Chibi interrogators with his level of proficiency. Sarutobi sure wasn't making one of the Clan Heads the Jonin Leader; the others would riot at the 'favoritism' shown.

Itachi was a possibility, but Sakura might get neglected.

Hmm. Anko Mitarashi was long overdue for a promotion. It wasn't her fault that Danzo and Sarutobi's teammates were paranoid about her potential 'allegiances'. Yes. Anko would make three little terrors _and_ serve as Sarutobi's figurative middle finger to the picky Clan Heads and his annoying Council. Sarutobi loved the premise, so for once he gleefully set to work filling out the paperwork.

* * *

This brings us to the present with Team Seven's first C-Rank. A month after Academy Graduation, and already all the members of Team Seven were plotting to riot. They'd put up with tedious D-Ranks because the Dazzling and Wondrous Anko-sama had tons of neat parlor tricks to teach them and different ways to make D-Ranks _fun_.

Poor Tora.

Only now the fun was slipping away, and Team Seven was collectively getting bored. 'Accidents' tended to happen when Anko got bored, and she had kind of drilled the same concept into her adorable trio of minions – her title for them, not Sarutobi's. Sarutobi didn't want to incite the Fifth Great Paint War, so he gave them a C-Rank with the highest probability of conflict. No, Sarutobi had not bought that lie that bridge builder had fed the Mission Office; what did you take him for? A wet-behind-the-ears Genin? He pitied that old drunk. Really. He probably had high-level ninjas after his ass, and he was being given a team of psychopaths.

Well. A psychopath and three psychos-in-training.

Moreover, though, Sarutobi pitied the ninjas that tried to take the bridge builder's head. After all, Tazuna just had to be in the company of Team Seven; the enemy ninja would be _fighting_ Team Seven. Those poor, deluded fools.

* * *

Zabuza blinked slowly as he took in the bridge builder's guard detail. The purple-haired bitch in a trench coat looked oddly familiar, and the midgets in different-colored trench coats looked a little too mischievous for his tastes. Blondie wore an orange trench coat, Pinky wore a maroon-colored trench coat, and the black-haired boy had a blue trench coat… Perhaps he should bring Haku out early?

A few moments later, after they'd exchanged first blows and the purple-haired bitch had cut into him with a kunai, Zabuza finally placed the face. It helped that she licked his blood off the kunai and gave a speech eerily familiar to the one he was planning to give about 'pressure points' on the body.

"You're that sadistic Mitarashi bitch!" Zabuza yelled, slightly frantic as he backed away from the kunoichi. It was one thing to hold a modicum of respect for a sadistic interrogator from another village that obviously deserved it – _respected from a distance_ , mind you… It was another kettle of fish entirely to be forced into battle with said sadistic interrogator.

Oooh, Zabuza would be having words with Gato… You did not offer A-Rank pay for what was obviously an S-Rank mission. It was just not done!

"Ooh, call _me_ a bitch, will you…?" Anko offered a sugary sweet, closed-eyes smile. That's how Zabuza knew he was well and truly fucked. "Children. First one who brings me Zabuza's spleen gets to learn that Sword Swallowing trick that you've all been pining after!"

"Yatta!" Naruto crowed and pumped his fist in the air. He looked between Sakura and Sasuke, who were grinning and smirking respectively. "You guys hit him high, I'll hit him low?"

Sasuke looked contemplative, while Sakura huffed frustratingly.

"Fine. But no Kogan."

"Aww." Naruto pouted. He wanted to test the Summon Seal that the Wonderful and Beautiful Anko-sama had helped him create!

Sasuke scoffed at Sakura's stipulation.

"If Naruto can't use Kogan, _you_ can't use those damn poisons to paralyze the guy for seventy two hours." Sasuke paused when Sakura smiled hopefully. " _Or_ those hallucinogens."

"But Sasuke-kuuun!" Sakura pouted similarly to Naruto. Sasuke-kun was using fighting words now. Those hallucinogens were the great equalizers! She couldn't fight like Naruto or Sasuke-kun otherwise.

 _Thump!_

Team Seven collectively turned to see Zabuza lying on the ground with a senbon sticking out of the back of his neck. Anko gestured to the fallen swordsman.

"See why you don't haggle like that, minions? Silly restraints will allow someone to steal your kill! Now no one gets to learn Sword Swallowing." She relished in the defeated moans of her Genin. This is what being a Jonin Instructor was all about! She frowned when a Hunter-nin hopped down to collect Zabuza's body. "Hey. No. We get first dibs. You go away until we're done."

Haku sweated nervously behind his mask. This? This was what he was trying to save Zabuza-sama from. Haku wasn't even going to try reasoning with crazy incarnate; but he also couldn't let these people loot Zabuza-sama's corpse.

"I'm sorry, but I'll be taking this body with me…" Haku got ready to disappear in a shunshin (without Zabuza-sama's blade, regrettably), when the blond boy disappeared in a blur and reappeared above Haku, delivering a heel-drop kick down harshly on the fake Hunter-nin.

"Woo-Pah!" Naruto grinned as his surprise attack conked Haku out like a light. He looked up at Anko-sama and gave his best Puppy Dog Eyes look. "Pwetty pwease, Anko-sama! Sword Swallowing, pweeease!"

Normally, Anko would be able to resist the Puppy Dog Eyes. Hell, she practically invented them, after all! But she couldn't just say 'no' to Naruto. Or Sasuke or Sakura when they threw in their own Puppy Dog Eyes.

Damn them for taking after her so effectively… It brought a womanly tear to her eye. They made her so damn proud.

"Okay, okay… But first we need to get these two back to the Hidden Leaf, and get this old drunk escorted home."

Tazuna took this amazing opportunity to be finally rid of the crazy.

"Actually, it's alright! I, um… I can see my house from here and, well, you've obviously taken out the main threat to my super-bridge…"

"Nonsense! We're gonna escort you and defend you until we get our money's worth!" Anko slung an arm around the old drunk and grinned toothily. "Besides, this Gato guy might have more goodies for us to send back home. We already got two new Chunin, a Hunter-nin, and very likely a former Hidden Mist Swordsman, if my theory about his 'death' is correct."

As Anko was 'consoling' the inwardly sobbing drunk (still outwardly retaining a sense of calmness, barely), Naruto was making Shadow Clones to carry Haku and Zabuza back to the Hidden Leaf by a series of shunshins. Sasuke already called dibs on the Executioner's Blade, and Sakura and Naruto knew well enough to uphold the standing tradition of Dibs. Dibs was absolute, y'know.

First they got Gozu and Meizu, those 'Demon Brothers' jokers, and now they captured these two and a Hidden Mist blade! Man, today was a good day to be Team Seven!

* * *

Anko sniffled and wiped a womanly tear from her eye as she stood next to the bridge builder about a week after that encounter with Zabuza. Gato ended up coming with a horde of thugs, intent on not paying 'the Demon of the Hidden Mist', and she didn't have to do a thing except enjoy her front row seat.

"Damn it, you brats make me… so… proud!" Anko bawled happily as she watched Naruto unleash Kogan on the hapless thugs, Sasuke wield the Executioner's Blade, and Sakura pumping her hallucinogens into Gato and as many thugs as she could.

In essence, Gato and his men were going crazy, and a lot of them were getting killed off. Tazuna was whimpering off to the side of Anko, hoping that these crazies didn't turn on him next… he liked living.

Another glorious day to be Team Seven.

* * *

"Haku."

"Zabuza-sama?"

"How the hell did we wind up in this mess?" Zabuza idly flicked a thumb on the metal of his new Hidden Leaf hitaite.

"…" Haku did not have an answer for Zabuza-sama. The money Gato was shelling out had been too good to pass up, and now they were in the employ of another Great Nation.

All they had wanted was to raise the funds to raise up a revolution in the Hidden Mist and take down Yagura… that's all they wanted. It really, really didn't help that the pair of them were being fought over by the major Clans of the Hidden Leaf, who wanted the prestige that a former Hidden Mist Swordsman and a wielder of an Ice Kekki Genkai would bring. But then again, they weren't really the worst of it all, 'cause there _was_ that old cripple who was giving off pedophilic signals.

Something along the lines of, 'I want your babies!' Yes, Haku believed that the creepy old man was subtly sending _that_ kind of message with those leers. They could always try to make a break for it, but that would risk being chased after by that 'sadistic Mitarashi bitch'. And Zabuza-sama _absolutely did not want that to happen_. **Ever**.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Sooo I skipped a bit… I'll probably do a Flashback no Jutsu next chappie and show you how Team Seven got to be this way… I'll say this much: Naruto hasn't acquired a tenth personality** _ **per se**_ **, but his natural personality is certainly being affected by Anko-sama. The two of them are like two peas in a pod. XD**

 **And of course we'll see Kakashi trying to steal Naruto away from time to time. 'Cause that's always fun. :D I know that this kind of thing has been done by two different writers, but I gotta say, Anko being the Sensei of Team Seven is priceless. I'm bored with having Kakashi as the Sensei all the time, and this just seems like a nice change of pace. Naruto and Anko would get along too well (y'know, eventually), and since there's no Massacre, Sasuke would become affected, too… And Sakura would of course be taking tips from the Gorgeous Anko-sama to get in Sasuke-kun's pants eventually. XD**


	6. Chapter 6

"… And Team Seven: Sakura Haruno, Sasuke Uchiha, Naruto Uzumaki!"

"YE-HE-HE-HE-HEEEEESSSSS!" A cackle rent the air as that team was called out. There were five distinctive sighs of defeat, while a dark cloud of self-pity hung over Shino.

Sasuke just smirked smugly, while Naruto fiddled with his – or rather, Iruka's former – new headband happily. Oddly enough, it had been Sakura to make such an eccentric exclamation. She looked between Sasuke and Naruto with a twitchy, drooling smile on her face. Did she get the luck of the draw or what? If things didn't pan out with Sasuke-kun, she could totally cash in on all those date proposals Naruto kept pestering her about! Hottie with bishonen good looks, or the son of the former Hokage! She couldn't _possibly_ lose to Ino-pig now!

 _'Who says we need to stop at just the one? Fufufu…'_ Inner Sakura was rubbing her hands together and cackling at the prospect of pulling the 'Clan Restoration Act'. Oh, sure, technically that applied to _Naruto_ , but… Aw, what the hell. Inner Sakura didn't need an excuse to get into multiple boys' pants. She was just plain greedy, to Outer Sakura's slight dismay.

But only slight.

"Who's gonna be our Sensei, Iruka-sensei?" Naruto piped up when he realized the brunet was waiting for the class to settle down.

"Ah, that would be…"

The door slammed open, and in walked a man with a face mask and silvery hair. He ran up to Naruto and hugged the stuffing out of him.

"ME!" Kakashi laughed in an unhinged manner.

Iruka simply shook his head and crossed his arms in a disapproving manner.

"Lord Hokage thought you might try something like this, Hatake… You're late to your first therapy session anyway. You'd best run along now." Iruka nodded firmly, and in strode Ibiki and Genma to haul Kakashi away.

Of course Kakashi made a good effort to slip out of their ironclad grasps, but it was all for naught, as Aoba, Ebisu, Itachi, and Hana were all there to recapture him even if he did manage to escape Genma and Ibiki. Sure, some had jobs that they should be doing (Ibiki), but… they needed to keep their solidarity. If _they_ couldn't be Naruto's Sensei, then neither could Kakashi. Well… Hana didn't particularly want to be Naruto's Sensei, but she was there on account that her mother couldn't be. None of the Clan Heads were free to keep Kakashi in check, so it fell to them, the rest of the rejects, to keep this one reject in line.

'Cause Kakashi _reeeally_ wanted to teach Naruto…

"No, really, who's our Sensei?" Naruto asked eagerly, as if that hadn't just happened. Iruka smiled benignly and opened his mouth to speak again, but once more the door slammed open, revealing the Sexy Anko Mitarashi who grinned, despite having just escaped being tied up by Hatake.

She would deal with him later. She was still riding the high of becoming a full-fledged Jonin, _and_ reveling in the fact that Lord Hokage was finally allowing her a Genin team. There was so much Anko wanted to pass onto them; she was getting glitter-eyed at the thought of it all.

"That would be me, the Sexy Anko Mitarashi!" She grinned and bounced on her heels. She motioned for them to follow her. "C'mon up to the roof!"

As Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke (in that order) got into a single file line behind Anko like little ducklings, they all took their leave. Only one thought flitted through the minds of the remaining males in the room. Including Iruka.

 _'Lucky bastards…'_

* * *

"So, introduction time, kiddos." Anko gestured for Team Seven to sit down on the rooftop, while she sat down on a ledge, propping her legs up provocatively. "I'll start. I'm the Sexy and Amazing Anko Mitarashi! I like sweet bean soup, dango, tea, torturing for information (and torturing in general, really; I mean, who doesn't, right?) – ooh, especially when I can get my victims to squeal in, like, a crude seven-part symphony! That's great fun. And licking up blood – that's great fun at parties… or anywhere in general. I guess… I hate spicy crap and my former Sensei. My hobby is tea ceremonies – laugh and I'll gut you – and my dream, nay my ambition, is to one day slay my former Sensei _slooowly_ ; preferably starting out with the carving out of his eyes and placing frayed electrical cords into the empty eye sockets after dumping water in them. From there…"

Anko delved into some diabolical laughter there at the end, much to the confusion of her Genin. Well, until Sasuke raised his hand and asked for confirmation.

"Um… Your Sensei was Orochimaru, wasn't it?" At Anko's stern, unhappy nod, Sasuke sighed. "I thought so… Would it be unethical to ask if I could get in on that action?"

Anko looked horrified at something Sasuke had said.

"U… Unethical? Rinse out your mouth with soap! Of course it wouldn't. We're shinobi, ethics went out the window the second you tied that headband on!" Anko placed a hand over her heart dramatically, but then dropped the theatrics… for now. "But what kinda beef do you have with the bastard? You're too young to have ever met him."

"Bastard's a pedophile, and he's pretty high up on my clan's List of People who **Need** to Die Slowly and Painfully." Sasuke nodded decisively, as if any of that made sense at all. When you grew up in a household filled with Fugaku, Mikoto, and Itachi Uchiha, you were bound to grow up a 'little' eccentric yourself.

But don't let them know you think they're eccentric. Kami help you if you do.

"Pedophile?" Sakura squawked, having read none of that in the history textbooks; but if it was true, she'd be lending a hand at killing the bastard, too. No one like that should ever get the chance to touch a hair on Sasuke-kun or Naruto's heads.

Naruto was pretty confused too, dattebayo.

But Anko only snickered and didn't bother to elaborate – nor did Sasuke, but that was because he was clueless as to where that idea came from. After her Sensei abandoned the village and became known for going after kids with bloodlines and trying to add bloodlines to babies that didn't, Anko miiight have helped nudge those rumors along… But in fairness, Anko was feeling slightly vindictive at the time. Not like the bastard needed any 'sympathy' for his personal beliefs.

At any rate, they went through the introductions, and Anko helped nudge her little Super Brats into career choices that she thought would be good for them. Naruto as Hokage? Eh, she'd let that one fly. Kami knows _someone_ will have to take the hat from Sarutobi someday, and she didn't want it to be one of those old crows. Particularly the cripple. Best to let it be someone she would have a hand in teaching, right? Sakura was a bit too fangirlish for Anko's tastes, so she would be fueling those urges in one of two possible directions – seduction (Outer Sakura was vocally opposed; Inner Sakura was vocally all for it) or T&I. It should be obvious which one she went for. And Sasuke… Well, Anko found it kind of cute that the Super Brat wanted to be the one to kill all those people on that list he brought up earlier, but found it kind of… unrealistic. Too many of those were high profile, and he'd only assist-kill her former Sensei. Plus, those urges to kill would likely make him a loose cannon, so Anko nudged him in a slightly more… constructive direction.

Sasuke would protect his Clan (which included Naruto), escape Itachi's shadow, and develop a hobby of collecting swords. Sasuke was initially opposed to that last idea, but after the Great and Wonderful Anko-sama showed him a few pictures of some Hidden Mist Blades, he was salivating. Yup. Anko knew she made the right call about Sasuke's 'potential' interest in swords.

"So, here's the thing." Anko said once all introductions were over with. " _Technically_ I'm supposed to test you guys for teamwork and crap, but I think we all want the same thing, right? I want a Genin team, and you guys wanna be kickass shinobi! So. Screw a Pass-or-Fail test, we're gonna have you guys do a little exercise that will be mutually beneficial! Afterwards, we'll get you guys properly outfitted for trench coats, and I'll teach you guys how to lick blood off kunai."

Kakashi's sacred collection of Icha Icha didn't know what hit it.

* * *

"… And Kakashi's been on his best behavior ever since!" Anko beamed proudly, finished retelling her first days with Team Seven. The other Jonin Sensei sitting across from her at the bar were sharing weird glances, but not really commenting on Anko's way of teaching. Or her way of handling Jonin who overstepped their bounds.

Hey, no one wanted to risk a Team Seven Special because Anko got annoyed with their 'attitudes'. Kakashi's collection had been so heavily protected that not even Guy would attempt anything against his Eternal Rival. Somehow, Anko had gotten the layout of Kakashi's defenses and gotten it to her Genin. If not even Kakashi's books were safe, then none of them were safe… Unless they stayed on Anko's good side.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Well, that was fun. Who's for Chinese? XD**


	7. Chapter 7

"So, Chunin Exams… Who's willing to nominate their team?" Sarutobi had his secretary (who so happened to be Haku) ready to write down entries. Both old man and teenage boy shook their heads when Anko spoke up first, exuberantly. This was to be expected.

"TEAM SEVEN!"

Sarutobi looked to Iruka, as if expecting the man to speak out against the decision to enter Naruto's team… but the brunet had this faraway look in his eyes and cheeks had a pink tinge to them. The old man grumbled under his breath at the sight; because there were several perverted reasons why Iruka could be _blushing_ at a time like this…

"Lucky bastard better not have gotten to see too much…" Say what you will about Anko Mitarashi's personality, but Anko _is_ a very… beautiful… and perky… young woman.

Oh Kami, here comes the nosebleed.

"I nominate Team Eight," Kurenai spoke up while everyone else did their best to ignore how the Hokage was dabbing his nose with a tissue and how Iruka was… blushing. Haku just had this faraway look in his eye that no one could discern; was he thinking of something _good_ or something _bad_? More importantly, was it kinky?

Ahem. That was the male side. The female side, minus Anko, was thinking of how men were all pigs. Anko was just too lost in her own little world. She sooo had the best minions ever!

Unsurprisingly, few other teams actually made nominations. Asuma was hesitant, and it took a slightly irate Kurenai to get him to show a little 'initiative'. If she and Anko were confident enough to enter in their teams, then Asuma should, too! But Asuma… he was actually thinking ahead. These kids were a tightly knit group; they would be helping each other pass, and that might upset the playing field and tilt it in the Hidden Leaf's favor. Blow it to Kingdom Come, really.

Unbeknownst to most of the other Jonin, a relatively mild-mannered, sandy-haired Jonin with glasses was having an internal struggle himself. He'd already nominated Kabuto-kun's team, but he was wondering if he should take it back. Not because he lacked faith in his team (though Kabuto had failed the Exams several times), but… Kabuto-kun showed an oddly zealous reverence of the young Uzumaki, who was on Anko-chan's team. The origin of this reverence was unknown, and Kabuto-kun managed to keep a tight lid on it for the most part…

But it was kind of creepy when you caught your Genin sneaking jars of candy into the blond's various bedrooms every now and then. How the hell Kabuto snuck into the Compounds and delivered the candy without getting caught was beyond his Sensei's understanding. The strangest part was that none of it was poisoned or tampered with in any way; it was strictly sugary goodness, much to the ire of Naruto's adoptive families (they didn't dare take it away from the blond; upsetting Naruto – the horror!). All the man knew was that it was creepy, and he wished he'd never discovered that side of his young student…

* * *

"You realize she's going to gut you like a trout when she realizes you're spying on her team again…"

"Shut up, Zabuza! I'm trying to _listen_." Kakashi hissed and resumed paying attention to Team Seven. Kakashi didn't have the time to entertain his occasional drinking buddy. Anko was just getting to the big announcement! Kakashi had a camera and everything to preserve Naruto's reaction forever.

… Kakashi certainly _did not_ shriek like a little girl when a volley of kunai was thrown into the bushes he was hiding within. Zabuza had already disappeared in a shunshin, the bastard.

* * *

"Now that the girly-man is gone…" Anko smiled widely, but then frowned sternly again a moment later. "Beat it, Hatake! Or did you not learn your lesson the last time? You can replace books, but I bet you can't replace your testicles!"

Naruto and Sasuke shivered at the threat. You know all men have a psychic connection with their friends when the balls are threatened… The sparkly shine in Sakura's eyes was not encouraging, either. She was learning _way_ too much from the Gorgeous Anko-sama. Anko huffed in frustration when Hatake was back a third time – this time with Zabuza as a meat shield.

"Children, stay here, please. Anko-sama's got this!" Anko grinned demurely and shunshined to Hatake's position.

The collective girly screams were music to Sakura's ears. Naruto and Sasuke shivered again, and bother were muttering and offering up prayers to whatever deity was out there so that Kakashi and Zabuza's testicles might be shown mercy. Naruto might be the kind of guy to sick Kogan on people who deserved it, but Kakashi and Zabuza weren't all that bad… Well, Zabuza wasn't. Naruto found Kakashi's obsession with him a bit creepy, and Sasuke was wondering if the man should be added to the List, even though the man was clearly an ally.

Well, the List might be a bit extreme… If the man persisted further, Sasuke would make the man's life a living hell, though. You didn't come across as a pedophile when it came to Sasuke's immediate family. It was just not done.

* * *

"Kakashi, Itachi, I am going to take a leap of faith and trust you with the positions of Second and Third Proctors respectively. Kakashi, I have a crystal ball and I'm not afraid to use it, so **no** favoritism. Itachi, I am giving the position to you merely because I know you would find some way to take Hayate's place anyway." Hiruzen sighed as Itachi smiled blissfully and Kakashi eye-smiled despite the threat.

Now there was just the "trivial" matter of keeping the Clan Heads from interfering with the Exams in any way… And to make sure Danzo and his men hadn't stolen Zabuza away. Hiruzen might have made the Ice Style boy his personal secretary and ward, but he couldn't very well force Zabuza into the Sarutobi Compound if he didn't want to go. Zabuza was still fair game…

* * *

"You should really watch where you're going, kid…" Kankuro sneered and held Konohamaru up 'menacingly'. But instead, the brunet didn't seem very scared at all; he was even giving Kankuro a deadpan stare.

"Eh… I give you a… three out of ten. You're not really scary, pal. Do you even _know_ the proper way to lick the blood off a kunai?"

Kankuro blinked in confusion at just how _calm_ the boy was. Did he not see that he could be punched or worse at any given moment?!

"Oh, there you are, Konohamaru! I've been looking all over for you!"

And then 'away' went the calm and collectedness.

"KEEP HER AWAY! KEEP HER AWAY! PLEASE!" Konohamaru sobbed and begged Kankuro, prompting his fellow brunet to drop him. Konohamaru just scurried away after that.

Kankuro got a good look at the pink-haired, maroon-coat-wearing girl in front of him. Just what kind of style was _that_?

"Aw, shucks. You just had to have butterfingers, didn't you? Oh well, I _guess_ you'll suffice…" And then the pink-haired bitch hit him with some kind of weird dart that made him go rigid and unmoving.

"What did you do to Kankuro?!" Temari yelled angrily as she strode up to the girl who oh-so-casually began to drag the puppet boy behind her as if she'd done nothing wrong.

"Hmm. Two test subjects _are_ better than one." Sakura mused and hit the blonde with a dart, too. Then she was dragging both Sand siblings behind her, plainly ignoring the Killing Intent that Gaara was leaking up in a tree.

Gaara might not feel any 'love' for his siblings, but no one was allowed to 'experiment' on them but him. Nobody. It got even weirder, though, when two boys in similar trench coats in different colors were sitting with him side-by-side. One grinning and the other smirking.

"Sakura-chan's gonna be a while… When she heard we'd be participating in the Chunin Exams, she was getting frantic that she was running out of test subjects. Don't worry, your brother and sister will be okay!" Almost as an afterthought, Naruto added, "… Well, they might be a little scared when you get them back… Or really, really happy. Sakura-chan's testing all sorts of hallucinogens these days; some can make ya cry, and some can make ya piss yourself. She's shooting for making ya feel any type of emotion so that it fits the situation."

If Gaara had eyebrows, he would be twitching. Before he could speak up, however, Sasuke raised a pointer finger to shut him up.

"Ah-ah! You really don't want to go and 'rescue' them. Worst case scenario you piss Sakura off and she makes you a test subject too. Best case scenario, you provide Sakura with entertainment and she makes you a test subject."

… Yup. Definitely twitching.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed the double update! I know I did. XD**


	8. Chapter 8

"Just remember, Naruto, no matter the result, you will always be the son I never had. Now get out there and insert your footwear up their posteriors!" Hiashi and Naruto shared regal laughter together before Hiashi patted Naruto on the head and bid the boy adieu. As he was on his way out of the Academy, Hiashi stopped before another Genin team and squinted his eyes at a dark haired boy. In no uncertain terms, he declared, "Make sure Naruto and his team passes at all costs. If Naruto fails, I will personally volunteer you for Naruto-kun's next attempt at Standup Comedy."

Knowing precisely that Naruto's version of "Standup Comedy" did _not_ involve Naruto standing up – but rather his audience standing up (upon realizing they were sitting on sharp, pointy objects) – Neji vigorously nodded his head in acknowledgement of Hiashi-sama's threat. Once Neji had nodded enough times (approximately 447 times), Hiashi wished Neji and his team good day – but not before sending Neji one last warning glare. You had to be firm about these things, you know?

Outside the Academy, as Hiashi walked by, Fugaku was having a talk with two older teenage boys. One being a Proctor for the Exams, and the other a, er... assistant. Yes. In an Exam that the other boy was not Proctoring. Well, more like _both_ Exams, if Naruto-kun ended up needing help on the First Exam. The Second Exam was more daunting, though, being set in the Forest of Death.

Shibi would be helping in a different, more subtle way; that is, making sure all the dangerous bugs stayed the _hell_ away from Team Seven via his parasitic insects. Inoichi _had_ been ready to possess Ibiki for the duration of the First Exam, but once he realized just how much Ibiki wanted Team Seven to pass out of everyone else, he felt he didn't need to worry about his son's chances of passing. And of _course_ his daughter was in no danger of failing. Shikaku, Choza, and Tsume wouldn't be able to 'help' like the other Clan Heads, though Shikaku _was_ going to arrange the Chunin Evaluations to pass through him before getting to the Hokage, since he _was_ the Jonin Commander and all. A bit of overreach in power, but… eh. If it secures the promotions of his sons.

Nothing short of the best for Minato's boy – who _was_ going to be Hokage one day - and Shikamaru – his future advisor. If Shikaku noticed Fugaku grooming Itachi and/or Sasuke for the 'other' advisor role, he didn't show it.

* * *

But enough about the scheming Clan Heads and their minions – er Clansmen. Team Seven had just gotten past the poor attempt at weeding out the stupid – _without_ tipping off the stupid that they were being duped, to boot – and now they were with the real competition, waiting to be let in the classroom.

We know how this goes. The rookies make some big talk about all the 'amateurs' in the room with them, drawing a lot of attention to themselves and pissing a lot of people off, and then Kabuto walks up practically _exuding_ experience. Well, that and a bit of… familiarity? And a bit of jealousy. Definitely a bit of jealousy in there.

"Ah! Naruto-kun and… and friends." Kabuto made an awkward coughing noise and shook his head vigorously. What did he have to be jealous about? Of _course_ Naruto-kun had friends! His natural charisma would attract nothing _but_ friends! Never mind the **idiots** who glared and tried to throw rocks and other such things – Kabuto dealt with those fools personally. Even if Kabuto wanted to vivisect these fools for getting in his way of getting to know Naruto-kun 'properly', he needed to keep up his 'loser' cover.

And so Kabuto delved into his pre-planned speech about the Exams and then showed off his awesome Ninja Info Cards. He went a _little_ overboard, though, going so far as to show the children _all_ the data he collected, past and present. He showed them every single Info Card. Every single one.

Naturally this would have repercussions for Kabuto, because no 'amateur' Genin should have that kind of knowledge, regardless of how many times he's taken the Exams. And it was just Kabuto's horrible, dreadful luck that Anko Mitarashi was the Jonin Leader of Team Seven; because as soon as the Genin were ordered to enter the classroom, Sasuke went straight up to Ibiki and whispered in his ear the high likelihood that Kabuto was a spy, basing it off the information Kabuto apparently possessed.

They were trained to watch out for things like this, you see. No spy goes unpunished in the Hidden Leaf Village. … Well, provided they're flushed out. And provided that they don't try to make a break for it; but that didn't matter in this case. Misumi and Yoroi tried to make a hasty exit through the windows when their team was 'disqualified' and asked to come in for questioning, but weren't they surprised when Shisui Uchiha was right outside to intercept them? Kabuto, while he was higher up in Hidden Sound's chain of command, oddly didn't feel the need to flee, and had turned himself in willingly.

And it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Lord Orochimaru would probably arrange a breakout for him. Frankly, Kabuto was done serving Lord Orochimaru. Fuck the Hidden Sound. If he could get back in good graces with the Hidden Leaf, he could get to be friends with Naruto-kun. You see, Kabuto Yakushi _used_ to have amnesia from everything before his time with Nono and the Orphanage. It irked him for a long, long time.

This was no longer the case. Because Kabuto _remembered_ now. Naruto-kun was the son of Minato Namikaze, the man who had saved him. When Kabuto was a small boy, he lived a meager life with his parents in a village close to the Hidden Leaf. But one day, some concentrated group of shinobi struck – for whatever reason – and devastated the village, killing off most of the people. The Fourth Hokage and his escort happened to be returning from some diplomatic event outside the Hidden Leaf, when they caught wind of the attack, and they had tried to stem the damage done to the village.

Alas, they were too late. The village was positively wrecked, and everyone in the village was murdered… except for little Kabuto. His parents had stowed him away in a well-hidden crawl space in the attic of their former house, and hadn't it been for a Hyuga, Minato might have never found little Kabuto, who was badly injured and slipping in and out of consciousness. Kabuto had been awake when Minato had gently set him beneath a tree outside his village, but he was soon out like a light after that, so he doesn't know what happened in the interim. But when he woke up again, it was to see Nono and some of the Orphanage kids.

Basically… it was all because of Minato's kindness that he got to live and meet Nono, the most wonderful person in the world. How the hell could he not feel indebted to the blond? Except… with Minato gone, Kabuto couldn't repay the man directly, so he would have to repay the man somehow through his son. The _only_ reason he fell for Lord Orochimaru's honey-sweet words of finding an identity all those years ago was because he felt bitter and angry about Nono's death, and so had allied himself with someone that was intent on destroying the village and man that had caused him so much misery. He stayed that way for years.

And then about half a year ago, he remembered his very early childhood. So yeah, Kabuto had a purpose in life now, and come hell or high water, Kabuto was going to fulfill it. His eternal allegiance was with Naruto-kun now. Lord Orochimaru would be sooo fucked once he leaked every bit of information he was privy to as Lord Orochimaru's Second-in-Command.

* * *

"… That's right, everybody who stayed here _passes_." Ibiki smirked at the shell-shocked Genin. Time to rub more salt in the wound. "The first nine questions were nothing. Oh, it showed how clever you could be at information gathering, but even if you had gotten all those questions wrong, it was the tenth one that was the real test. So long as you got that one right, you pass regardless of your total score."

Ibiki then went into his mini-sermon about dangerous missions that risked one's lives, and yadda, yadda, yadda. Basically stuff that the Genin _should_ know by heart, but not everyone does because not all people are cut out to be shinobi. Some are cowards, some joined for the wrong reasons all together… And then there were the people that just **needed to die**. It wasn't so much that these people were so incompetent – but rather they were so competent that they descended into **madness**. Not run-of-the-mill madness that highly skilled shinobi attained because they could do whatever the hell they wanted ('cause no one could stop them). But **madness**. Orochimaru-brand of **madness**. Danzo-brand of **madness**. Power, politics, the pursuit of immortality, and money were the four core reasons that highly skilled shinobi descended into **madness**. Although there was a fifth core reason that wasn't so widely known – the goal of attaining world peace – but no one in the Hidden Leaf was aware of that… yet.

At any rate, once Ibiki had spoken his peace and made the kids want to bash their heads into a wall, Kakashi leaped through one of the already-shattered windows and waved at the Genin. He chuckled.

"Yo! I'm the Proctor for the Second Exam! So follow me and Naruto. To Training Ground Forty Four!" Having given his 'introduction', Kakashi eccentrically ran over to Naruto, scooped him up, and leaped back out the window without missing a beat.

Though Sasuke and Sakura were right on the man's heels, intent on getting their teammate back. And their former classmates were right on _their_ heels to help save Naruto from a potential pedophile. Not a good day to be Kakashi Hatake… if the look on Ino-chan and Hinata-chan's faces was any indication…

* * *

 **Author's Note: Pure headcanon on my part for Kabuto's early childhood. Anything to give the guy a reason to be loyal to Naruto and throw a wrench into Orochimaru (and Sasori's) plans. I know I didn't mention Sasori, but…. I suppose Kabuto just felt more loyal to Oro-chan. XD Hope you enjoyed.**


	9. Chapter 9

"SNAKE! GIANT SNAKE! Why'd it have to be a SNAAAKE?!" Came a bawling, over-the-top shriek of terror.

Sasuke had a contemplative look on as he and Sakura were waiting around for their blond teammate. That shout had just come from him, so he had obviously run into some trouble. Trouble that would likely be upon them at any given moment, but that wasn't what Sasuke was thinking about.

"He got that line from somewhere… Where have I heard that line before?" Sasuke hummed agitatedly as he couldn't quite place it.

Sakura nudged him concernedly.

"Shouldn't we probably do something? Naruto sounds like he could use our help."

Sasuke scoffed at the notion.

"You don't pay attention at all, do you? Aside from the fact that Naruto's just as powerful as I am, he's got way too many stalkers… I mean designated bodyguards that would bail him out at a moment's notice. Cousin Shisui's in here, y'know. He'll be fine." Sasuke rolled his shoulder and went back to wracking his brain for where he had heard that line before…

And then she appeared. The disturbing woman that had been sending Sasuke leers back when Kakashi was annoyingly explaining the Second Exam (the man was infuriatingly sitting up in a tree with Naruto at his side, his arm slung around the blond teenager like they were pals). The one with a disturbingly long tongue that was slightly reminiscent of Anko-sama.

But only slightly.

"Kukuku… What do we have here? Two insects have become caught in my web." Came the woman's disturbing taunt.

Sasuke grumbled something about overconfident amateurs before flashing his Sharingan on and breaking out the Executioner's Blade. The Beautiful, Wonderful, _Terrifying_ Anko-sama had helped him awaken his Clan's bloodline. And it wasn't through snakes or physical torture. It was pure, psychological _hell_. Anko-sama had made him spy on a fangirl meeting that was _all about him_. But Anko-sama didn't stop there. No, no, no. She blew his fucking cover and threw him to the wolves, as it were.

All those grubby, greedy hands… His body simply decided that he needed them to bloody survive and escape that hell.

"Kukuku… The Sharingan _and_ one of the Seven Ninja Swords. Very promising, Sasuke-kun. Very promising. That makes your body all the more _tempting_ …"

Sasuke froze mid-movement as he registered just what that bitch had said. Oh no. Oh _hell_ no. He hadn't escaped a pack of those she-devils only to come across a _creepy_ shinobi fangirl. Bad enough that Sakura and Ino were still associated with his fangirl fanclub – though in fairness, Ino was having a lot less to do with it for some obscure reason, and Sakura had been busy doing other… things as of late.

Regardless. Sakura and Ino were the prominent shinobi fangirls, and he'd pretty much gotten rid of them… for the most part. Now here this girl was, sounding a million times creepier than those two combined. And a billion times more obsessive. Like an army of fangirls. He'd fended an army of them off before, he could do the same here, damn it! And this time he would finish the job instead of run away.

While Sasuke had been stuck in his twitchy, traumatized ruminations, that creepy Hidden Grass kunoichi had begun to move, and so had Sakura. Sakura had been flinging darts like a crazed psychopath, and the Grass kunoichi had evaded them all before getting in close and bitch-slapping Sakura away. _Nothing_ would get in this 'kunoichi's' path of getting to Sasuke-kun. Nothing.

And then as if his survival instincts were kicking in, Sasuke broke out of his ruminations and swiped at the 'kunoichi with the Executioner's Blade. The sword did its job and cut its target in half, but the 'kunoichi' had regurgitated herself and slithered around Sasuke like a predator before holding him down firmly and sinking fangs into the back of his neck.

Sasuke's eyes bulged to the size of saucer plates. This… This bitch… had gone _way_ over the line. Talk like a bitch with no life beyond obsessing over him, _fine_. But give him a hickey of all fucking things, and Sasuke Uchiha fights back. Sasuke furiously punched the Grass kunoichi in the face, trying to get her to let go of his neck, but it was all in vain as some Seal was now in place. And when the bitch finally let go, Sasuke felt… strange. Exhausted. Vulnerable.

Not even Anko-sama had made him feel like this during their intense training sessions.

And then the biggest explosion Sasuke had ever heard and seen rocked the nearby area, decorating the forest with snake guts. Even the Grass kunoichi seemed a little freaked out by the explosion.

"What the _hell_ was that?!" 'She' hissed lowly. Aw, what the hell. We all know this isn't a woman by now. This is Orochimaru, and he is well and truly freaked out that someone could muster an explosion of that size.

He hadn't seen something like that since Jiraiya first started getting into Seals years and years ago. And the idiot had been in his _late_ teens. There was no way a Genin should have been able to conjure up an explosion capable of obliterating one of Manda's oldest sons. It wasn't _possible_!

"Now that the SNAKE is taken care of…" Naruto noisily grumbled and landed a little bit a ways from where Sasuke and Orochimaru were at. Sakura landed in a crouch beside him, checking him over for any serious injuries. He valiantly ignored the hungry glint in her eye as she looked him over.

"Thank goodness you're alright, Naruto!" Sakura was truly relieved. Inner Sakura was really making an effort to take over and get a little more… 'hands-on' with checking to see if Naruto was all right. Outer Sakura, naturally, resisted because now wasn't the time for that. … But maybe later… No. Focus. "But… But we have to save Sasuke-kun from this creepy Grass kunoichi! She's some kind of pedophile!"

"I am NOT A PEDOPHILE!" Orochimaru roared, doing away with the female voice. "I just want his body!"

Dead. Silence.

"Are… Are you sure?" Naruto asked, voice clearly incredulous. "Because from the sounds of it…"

"YES, I'm sure." Orochimaru huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose in agitation. Children. "Technically, I'm supposed to be here for you, Nine-Tails, but there's no reason I can't multi-task. But now that you've caused a scene by destroying my Summon… I suppose I will just have to retreat for now. But do know this, child: Sasuke-kun will come to me for power! The Curse Seal _will_ compel him!"

The Snake Sannin laughed evilly and promptly disappeared into the earth. And not a moment too soon, because Kakashi, Shisui, and a number of Anbu showed up a few moments later, right after Sasuke collapsed into unconsciousness. But Kakashi obviously didn't care about Sasuke, as he ran over to the blond instead, patting him over and hugging the stuffing out of him.

"NARUTO! I was so worried. Here, let me get you an Earth Scroll and take you to the Tower. These Genin are obviously playing a little too rough…"

"Hatake, let Naruto go, or I _will_ make you experience your worst fears…" Sakura hissed as she held up a dart to skewer him point-blank. She wasn't gonna let another pedophile have his way with Naruto, not after one had his way with Sasuke-kun.

Kakashi promptly dropped the blond out of shock and a little bit of fear. Was it just him, or did Sakura seem a little like…? No. He must be imagining things. There was no way Sakura could be _her_ reincarnation. It was too soon!

… He hoped that was the case…

"R-Right, like I said…"

"Actually, Kakashi, I'd like to continue the Exam _naturally_ ," Naruto placed an emphasis on the word as he tapped his foot on the ground impatiently. "We don't need to be coddled, and I'm sure Teams Eight and Ten will help us out if we really need any. You should really go on the hunt for that pedophile that was harassing Sasuke – he could Summon Snakes, and he had this really long tongue…"

Kakashi's visible eye widened and he whipped his head search of the Missing-nin.

"Egad! Orochimaru?! Then you really must come with us!"

"No. We're staying in the forest until we complete the test." Naruto firmly restated.

"B-But… What about Sasuke? The other dangerous animals in this forest?!"

"Eh, Sasuke will be fine. He's just stressed after dealing with his most forward fan _boy_." Naruto rolled his eyes, not even bothering to comment about the 'animals'. Kogan was back home and loving it. They had nothing to worry about in that department, and had in fact saved a red-headed girl earlier… Karen or something. And on that note… "You wanna help? Take this girl to the Tower since her team abandoned her… She says she's an Uzumaki like me, and…"

* * *

Gaara didn't know how to feel about his siblings cowering behind him again after that big explosion from earlier… It had startled him, too, but they seemed much more affected by it. In hindsight he supposed he couldn't blame them, but… Really? He had a bloody reputation (pun intended). He wasn't the 'protective' sort, not even from explosive-happy psychopaths that were evidently in the forest with them.

An explosive-happy psychopath that Temari and Kankuro were _certain_ was related to that pink-haired, maroon-coat-wearing bitch that had experimented on them for hours. 'Cause who else had a reputation in here besides Gaara? That pink-haired, maroon-coat-wearing bitch and her psycho teammates, that's who. And they didn't want to die at the hands of those psychos. Temari and Kankuro liked living.

… Yet despite feeling annoyed at his siblings' cowardice, he could not help but feel a small… warm and fuzzy feeling sprouting in his chest. He'd never had his siblings _rely_ on him before, not like this. Gaara was at a loss as to what this feeling was, though. It felt so bizarre… yet also vaguely familiar… Gaara wasn't sure whether he liked it or not.

* * *

 **Author's Note: So close to 6k views, guys... Keep it up. XD Hope you enjoyed.**


	10. Chapter 10

"Naruto, stop looking at Sasuke-kun like a pervert." Sakura rubbed at her eye blearily; it was early morning, they were camped out in a hollowed tree, and Naruto was all… squinty-eyed. Like he was deep in thought.

Which was strange for him, obviously.

"I'm not…" Naruto huffed in exasperation and didn't bother explaining that he was looking at the Seal on Sasuke's neck. He didn't know why he was doing it, either – just that he was doing it. He'd never looked at something so intently before… not even ramen.

It was weird.

"Hey! Tree huggers! Get your cute little asses out here! We wanna fight Sasuke!" A voice called from outside the tree. Some guy with a death wish, apparently.

Sakura's eyes flashed determinedly, and both she and Naruto got up at the same time. Though Sakura looked at Naruto sternly.

"No. Mine. I get dibs this time. You watch over Sasuke-kun, and _don't_ be a pervert!" She growled out before stomping out of the hollowed-out tree.

Naruto crossed his arms and grumbled, but didn't do anything to go against Sakura's wishes. He wanted to vent off some steam after some _pedophile_ sank his fangs into Sasuke, but clearly he wasn't going to get that chance for a while. So, what to do, what to do… Oh well. Back to staring at that Seal intently.

For whatever reason.

* * *

Zaku sneered as the pink-headed, trench-coated girl was the only one to come out. Was she trying to be 'scary' or something with that gas mask she was putting on? It did look to be made of high quality stuff, he'd give her that.

"Heh. Looks like we'll be going through you to get to Uchiha. What's up with blondie, eh?" Zaku snickered as he, Kin, and Dosu all got ready to spring into action.

But alas, they made the mistake of just standing there when Sakura brought out a little metal canister and started bouncing it in her hand. Menacingly.

"You get to be the guinea pigs for my toxin's gaseous form. Get ready to experience your worst fears… _all of them_." Sakura's voice changed into some deeper, baritone one as a result of the gas mask on her face.

That didn't intimidate the Sound team. What did was how casually Sakura removed the pin and lobbed the canister at them. Oh, they made a run for it, they really did, but somehow, some way, the gas dispersal was absurdly fast. Faster than anything they'd experienced before, and that was saying something considering who ran the Hidden Sound. They were enveloped in seconds, and that was when the screaming began…

True to Sakura's words, they experienced their worst fears. What Sakura failed to convey was that they would become so panicked that they would do just about anything to stop the horrific hallucinations. Death – Dosu. Dismemberment and death – Zaku. Rendering herself unconscious – Kin. Well… that last one might have been helped along by Sakura herself. Simply because she wanted a more permanent lab rat, after those two Sand siblings had escaped prior to the First Exam.

No one would have a right to complain, seeing as how this girl _was_ from a minor, upstart village. After clearing the gas, Sakura tied the girl up in ninja wire and placed her on a Reverse Summoning Scroll that Anko-sama helped her to create. It would take the black-haired girl to her lab (read: the basement of her parents' house), where she would wait patiently for Sakura to come and experiment on her.

… No, Sakura did not _really_ think that would be the case, but after seeing the kind of relationship Anko-sama had with some of the T&I prisoners, Sakura decided she would like some of that. The dynamic seemed… delightful.

* * *

While Sakura was wrapping up, Sasuke chose that moment to wake up and obviously be affected by the Cursed Seal.

"Naruto… where's Sakura?" Sasuke asked the blond in a flat voice.

"Well, she just got done massacring this one team that came to fight you." Naruto scratched his cheek in contemplation. "So there's no need to worry. Why don't you rest a little more? That whole ordeal with the pedophile musta worn you out."

"I'm rested enough." Sasuke deadpanned as he rolled his shoulder. "Let's go find other teams to fight. I haven't felt this rested in a long time; I need to go let off some steam. Seriously."

Naruto shook his head slowly.

"I really think you should rest… That Seal is having some kinda adverse effect on you, I can tell. Dattebayo."

Sasuke scowled as he eyed his blond teammate.

"… You wanna pick a fight? I told you…" Sasuke huffed and then narrowed his eyes when something occurred to him. Maybe it was the Curse Seal, maybe it was a long overdue deduction… But he realized something. "Say. You're not acting like the Clans or your spunky, hyperactive self… Is this some personality we don't know about?"

"I dunno what you're talking about Sasuke, dattebayo. Can't I be worried about my friends?"

"Maybe." Sasuke allowed. He made a vague gesture. "But this seems way out-of-character, even for you. You're not _distressed_ , you're more… calm than you should be. Something's definitely off about you."

"…" Naruto simply closed his eyes and didn't say anything.

"Fight me, Naruto…" Sasuke all but growled as he got into a battle-ready stance.

And then Naruto smiled wryly.

"You were always so full of confidence, Sasuke… But… I kind of like that. Because now? I can tear that confidence to shreds." Naruto snapped his eyes back open and _grinned_ at Sasuke. It wasn't a grin promising evil intentions… it simply exuded confidence. "When you lose, just remember that I got to take a look at the Forbidden Scroll."

Sasuke scoffed at the reminder.

"So? You learned the Shadow Clone Jutsu. That's all you were able to learn from it."

Naruto wagged his pointer finger at his teammate.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. You're forgetting one little detail: _I_ didn't have to read all of it, just capture the scroll's contents with my eyes. I happen to have a little furball in my gut that has perfect memory recall. 'Cause seriously, it's a giant mass of Chakra, not a human being. If I happen to 'allow' it to read the scroll for me, it will retain all that knowledge that might get me into trouble otherwise."

Sasuke's eyes widened in shock and horror.

"You mean… You… You…"

"I've got it aaall up here." Naruto tapped his pointer finger on his temple and smirked. "Every single forbidden technique that we have saved up in that scroll. And you wanna know the best part? I only need _one_ to beat you. Save you, really."

"I don't _need_ saving, idiot. I've never felt better in my life." Despite the situation, Sasuke rolled his eyes.

He was so screwed.

"Y'know that it takes one night to travel to and from the plane of the Shinigami?" Naruto took out a kunai and started juggling it idly. "Well… The _trip_ doesn't take that long, I just needed one night to hash out a deal with it. Y'know, after beating it at a game of cards. I got absurd luck, dattebayo."

"… You're shitting me." Sasuke deadpanned, dropping his fighting stance all together. There was no way…

"Remember that day I came to training all tuckered out?" Naruto asked innocently. He knew Sasuke remembered; it was very out-of-character for him to be so exhausted during the day. He chuckled at Sasuke's still-incredulous stare. "Hey, your funeral, bub. The Shinigami has a Jamaican accent, I shit you not. Don't worry, this hickey removal probably won't hurt… much. I just don't like my friends being toyed with, okay? Not by pedophiles that don't recognize _boundaries_."

Having spoken his peace, Naruto flicked the kunai over Sasuke's shoulder (sufficiently distracting the raven-haired boy for a second) and ran through the hand signs to Summon the Shinigami. Reaper Death Seal. Sasuke still wasn't taking him seriously, as he could not see the big intimidating ethereal form floating behind Naruto. The big intimidating ethereal form who looked _slightly_ exasperated at being summoned so casually.

"You know the drill, I just want that damn pedophile's Chakra taken. Leave Sasuke's _alone_." Naruto told the Shinigami sternly, though to Sasuke it still looked like nothing was happening.

Nevertheless, the Shinigami grumbled some obscenities under its breath and pierced a hand through Naruto's soul and through Naruto's stomach, eventually reaching the Cursed Seal on Sasuke's neck. Since there wasn't that much Chakra stored in the Seal yet, the procedure lasted only fifteen seconds before Sasuke got all woozy at the loss of the Cursed Seal, which had disappeared from the back of his neck.

"I feel… faint." Sasuke muttered, stumbling briefly before collapsing into unconsciousness.

"Thanks, Shinigami!" Naruto offered a bright grin at the creature who muttered some more obscenities under his breath before disappearing without taking Naruto's soul.

 _ **"Mortals…"**_

* * *

 **Author's Note: That escalated quickly. Bwahahaha. In case you couldn't tell already, this is one of** _ **those**_ **kinds of crackfics where Naruto is OP. No Dojutsu or anything, but he has a Forbidden Scroll at his disposal (thanks to Kurama…). The worst part is probably that eight out of nine parts of his personality don't even realize he** _ **has**_ **that knowledge or power. So you won't be seeing this level of OP-ness very often. Just when Personality No. Nine comes out. Reserved for the very special occasions. This was just an exception because I couldn't wait anymore. XD**

 **What does this ninth personality seek? We'll have to find that out, won't we?**


	11. Chapter 11

The day that Team Seven reached the Tower, a meeting of Evildoers was taking place in an out-of-the-way cavern beneath the Leaf Village. There were approximately ten total. Eight of them were shiny, rainbow-y silhouettes, while the other two were Orochimaru and Sasori.

"So you see," Orochimaru began to wrap up his report, "aside from a few _minor_ setbacks, the Invasion is still on. The Hidden Sand has no reason to betray us, and Sasori I shall swoop in amongst the confusion and steal both the Nine-Tails and One-Tail."

An uncouth young man snorted and rolled his pink eyes through his projection.

"Let me get this fucking straight. You had the fucking Nine-Tails _in reach_ , and you go after a fucking Uchiha?!"

"Shut up, Hidan. You should know by now the Snake's _obsession_ …" Kakuzu sighed tiredly, having gotten no rest for the past eight days due to the absurd amount of bounties they had been raking in together. Sure, Hidan was a headache to deal with, but all that _money_ … "He does have a point, though, as much as it pains me to admit. Why didn't you just brand the Uchiha and capture the Nine-Tails? It seemed simple enough."

Orochimaru opened it his mouth to explain his actions, but Sasori butted in.

"Because Jonin were closing in on his position. Too many for me to try and stop." The puppet master rasped from within his Hiruko puppet. "We were forced to pull out."

A long silence followed that explanation, with the exception of Hidan calling out.

"Bullshit!"

Still, that was the story, and Orochimaru and Sasori were sticking to it. The apparent leader of the group with purple-ringed eyes took a deep breath and decided to conclude the meeting.

"Aside from the minor complications, let us just proceed as we are now. Zetsu, arrange for Kabuto to be broken out of the Hidden Leaf's T&I, and the rest of you just remain locked on your targets – or in Deidara and Kisame's case, keep looking for the Three-Tails. It has to be out there somewhere. Hidan, Kakuzu, I expect the Seven-Tails' host to be captured within the week. Since we have a month before the Invasion, I expect all of you to be ready for the Sealing to take place. We have the Five-Tails, let's keep the momentum up. Dismissed."

With that, the eight rainbow-y silhouettes vanished, leaving Orochimaru and Sasori in the cavern alone. After a while, Orochimaru gave a sidelong glance to his partner.

"… Is it sad that I was expecting you to publicly embarrass me about the 'real' reason I didn't grab the Nine-Tails?" Orochimaru was very sensitive about being called a pedophile, after all. He was a scientist. A _scientist_.

Sasori snorted derisively.

"Sure. Only for you to call me out on being nostalgic over seeing one of my old puppets in action again? I don't think so."

Orochimaru chuckled with mirth.

"Touché, my puppet friend, touché." There was a long pause as the pair just stood there and ruminated. "… Never speak of this incident again?"

"What incident?"

"Hmhmhm. Sasori is a good boy."

"Say something like that again, and I will vivisect you and _enjoy_ it."

* * *

"I'm telling you, I _don't know_!" Sasuke stomped his feet in frustration. Currently he was suffering the third degree interrogation after reuniting with his Sensei.

Basically, all the Rookies made it to the Tower with Neji's team, and when Team Seven had opened the Heaven and Earth Scrolls, it was the Beautiful and Wondrous Anko-sama that greeted them instead of Iruka-sensei, who was meeting with Team Eight. She'd been briefed about her despicable former Sensei branding Sasuke with that damn Curse Mark, and so instead of greeting her team with her usual enthusiasm, she had charged straight over to Sasuke, only to discover that the Curse Mark was _gone_.

Either Kakashi, Shisui, and those Anbu had been seeing things, or they were playing a damn joke on her. Either way, she'd be making her displeasure known after these Exams wrapped up. You didn't joke about the Curse Mark, especially when you claimed that her own _student_ suffered the same experience she did. It was just not done.

"I don't know what happened either, Sensei," Sakura explained when Anko-sama gave her a _look_. "It was on him before I went out to deal with this one team from the Hidden Sound, and it was gone when I came back. Though Sasuke-kun was really out of it, even without the Curse Mark."

Anko turned to the final member of her Amazing, Super Brats with a leer. He'd better have answers, or so help her…

"I musta dozed off, Anko-sama, sorry…" Naruto sounded downtrodden, eliciting a groan of defeat from Anko.

How convenient that Sasuke 'forgot' his little interaction with Naruto… Then again, it could seriously be the loss of the Curse Mark; that might've had an effect on his mind. … Though not very likely. It's not like there was a Forbidden Jutsu for that or anything.

If there _was_ such a Jutsu, the Yamanaka might be pissed off that someone had the knowledge of how to use it… because they would've been the ones to call for that Jutsu to be banned from use. Alas, they would never know if someone did know how to perform that Jutsu. Probably.

"Well, good work getting here, guys." Anko sighed and rubbed her temple exasperatedly. "Seeing as how it's the last day, it looks like it's just going to be the twelve of you that just came in and that trio of Sand Genin. Meaning that there probably won't be Prelims this time, because fifteen's not a bad number. So you guys can relax that there's about a month until the Third Exam.

There was a long, long pause after that declaration. Then Anko broke out into guffaws as she hunched over and slapped her own knee.

"Oh, man! I can't believe I said that with a straight face. Your asses are grass for the next thirty days. Good luck with that."

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke just shrugged at their Sensei's ominous promise of tough training. They were already hella strong; what would a ton of more power hurt? That question _is_ rhetorical, you know. Don't you roll your eyes.

* * *

"Since there are fifteen of you, I can't really in good conscience allow any of you young'uns to back out." Sarutobi puffed on his pipe as he addressed the Genin in the room where the Prelims would've been held. Two of the Sand Genin looked terribly dispirited at this announcement, but Sarutobi couldn't really dredge up the effort to particularly care.

This was like the ideal number of candidates to go onto the next round. Oh, sure, there would be a bye for the First Round, but barring any draws or disqualifications, there would be eight Genin proceeding into the Second Round of the tournament. And from there the tournament would proceed smoothly. A pity they couldn't rope in a random sixteenth Genin, but that would be showing favoritism, and they didn't want that…

"Draw a single ball from the box here, and Kakashi will write down your number on the tournament bracket." Itachi intoned in that stoic voice of his as the Genin came forward one at a time. Once they'd all drawn a ball and told Kakashi their numbers (a number of the Genin sending warning glares at the white-haired Jonin), Itachi announced how the tournament would go. "… Ironically enough, my foolish youngest brother Naruto will be getting the bye for the First Round. How convenient for, ooh, seven of you that lose your first match.

Clearing his throat after some of the Genin twitched at the jab – Kami knows how much favoritism that blond got – Itachi went on to list the matchups.

"Shikamaru VS Kankuro, Sasuke VS Hinata, Ino VS Tenten, Lee VS Choji, Neji VS Sakura, Shino VS Temari, Kiba VS Gaara. That is the order of the matches. You have a month to prepare, good luck."

* * *

"OH THANK KAMI! My heart was gonna burst from my chest." Kankuro declared as he and his siblings were returning to their hotel after lunch. "I don't have to face that pink-haired bitch. I can just lose to that Nara kid and get some distance from that bitch."

The three of them were aware that Kankuro was referring to the fact that he would be helping protect the group of shinobi in charge of summoning that three-headed snake monstrosity. You couldn't get farther than that when you still wanted to help lend a hand to the imminent Invasion

"I'd probably join up with you, but I don't like leaving Gaara alone at the hands of those monsters…" Temari did not look pleased with having to be in the vicinity of Team Seven. Bunch of psychos, they were.

"I do not need your _protection_ …" Gaara growled, in spite of the slowly growing feeling of warm fuzzies in his chest. _He_ was supposed to protect _them_.

… Just where the hell did that come from?

As they reached their hotel room and opened the door, they found Baki who was white as a sheet and shaking.

"Baki? What's the matter?" Temari asked out of concern.

"Th-The I-I-Invasion's called off. Just do your best in the Exams." Baki assumed the fetal position and rocked back and forth. "I like living… MOMMY!"

Kind of spooked that Baki was acting so out-of-character, the Sand Siblings contemplated going out to hang out in the village a little more. Obviously Sensei needed some Alone Time.

"What's with him?" Temari asked as the three of them stepped out of the hotel room. His 'explanation' hadn't been very explanatory. Baki was just being a big baby right now.

"Aw, don't be too hard on the guy. He went through two hours with Ibiki, and was _going_ to have a session with Anko immediately following that, but the guy caved and admitted your guy's strategy and everything." A booming voice captured the attention of the Sand Siblings, who weren't even aware of the large, imposing figure leaning against the wall next to their hotel room. The man had long, _long_ white hair, and was dressed in red and green. There was also an… imposing aura about him, despite how _eccentric_ he seemed. He grinned lecherously. "But hey! Don't worry about him. I'm here for _you_ , Red! We need to get that Seal of yours looked at. I hear it's driving you a little crazy."

Cue simultaneous triple blink from the Sand Siblings. Before they could say anything, the guy launched into his eccentric introduction that had them sweating by the end. Because really, who _hadn't_ heard of the Legendary Sannin?

* * *

Amidst a celebratory trip to the hot springs, Naruto sneezed and looked around questioningly. Huh. Someone musta been thinking about him. He hoped it was a cutey…

* * *

 **Author's Note: Never say I don't love you guys. More fun for me, too. XD Yeah, the Shinigami thing was a reference to good ol' Grim; I've been waiting forever to use that joke. Still, it was more of a light joke and not an actual 'the Shinigami** _ **is**_ **Grim', but if that's what you guys want…**

 **And yeah. I used a tournament-randomizer thing to come up with the Chunin Exam matches. I LAUGHED when it gave me Naruto for the bye round, so that was a keeper. Sure, one less chance for him to prove himself, but Kami knows that he doesn't need it... Naruto is so loved. :P**

 **One final note, yes, Orochimaru is still a part of the flowery cloaked assassins. Itachi never joined up, so Orochimaru wasn't prompted to leave... yet. We'll see how the Invasion pans out, 'cause it's still coming. Just significantly less impactful, honestly... XD**


	12. Omake

**Omake**

The Council of Eight met for what had to be the first time in a long while. Well… ever since the start of the Academy. You didn't think Naruto decided to act like his natural self via a normal, sane method, did you? No, no. The Council of Eight refers to the mental gathering of all of Naruto's personalities; that means at one time it had been referred to as the Council of Nine. However, it had been near-unanimously agreed that the personality deemed 'Control' wasn't like the rest of them, and so was kicked out of the Council. And then they proceeded to wipe their memories of his existence, to rub more salt in the wound for Control.

Oh, those poor, deluded personalities… Control was still bitter and sore over that Council decision, considering he was older than seven of the personalities. That he was _forced_ to become the 'manager' of sorts… But more on him later.

The Council of Eight was meeting to discuss a matter of great importance. Who would get control of Naruto's body for the month-long Survival Sabbatical with Team Seven. The Great and Beautiful Anko-sama was taking all three of her favorite brats into the Forest of Death to train them like there was no tomorrow… for a whole month. That meant their rotation schedule would be thrown off.

"I'm just saying… it's _my turn_ ," Nara yawned and sported a bored expression. He, like the rest of the various personalities, was seated in a levitating circular chair in a room that was completely white. The chairs were arranged in a neat circle. In addition, he was basically dressed like Shikamaru (albeit the color of the clothes was orange), while his blond hair was tied back in a Shikamaru-style ponytail. The rest of the personalities were styled after various classmates, save for Hyuga and Yamanaka, who were styled after Hiashi and Inoichi respectively.

"Yeah, if we were staying at the _Nara's_ , maybe." Inuzuka scoffed, petting a mental projection of Kogan behind the ear casually. He grinned ferally. "Since we'll be in the Forest of Death, I say I get dibs! Kogan can have a homecoming!"

"The absolute last thing we need is _you_ getting more time with the body, you uncultured, flea-ridden mongrel." Hyuga pointed authoritatively at Inuzuka while trying to show off his 'Byakugan'… Really, he was just rolling his eyes to the back of his head.

"Hn. For once Hyuga has a point about something." Uchiha sneered while leaning forward and his fingers interlaced in front of his face, imitating Sasuke Brooding Position Number Eleven.

Like any Uchiha, this facet of Naruto masterfully ignored Hyuga's hate-filled glare promising death and misery. Hyuga simply didn't have enough hatred, so why spare him any attention? Does a man pay attention to an insect while squashing it underfoot?

"Hey, hey! Can we not fight guys, please?" Naruto's natural persona, dressed in Hokage garb that was tinted orange, tried to quell the fighting before it began. They might all be different personalities, but in the end, they were all Naruto. That meant their first impulse was to fight in order to settle disputes…

It happened at the last damn Council meeting. The only reason that Naruto's natural persona got to have control of the body during the Academy was because he had the Hokage hat. All of them knew that he who wore the Hat would get to have the last say. Still, Naruto's natural persona wasn't sure if that would work this time, because Uchiha was getting some wily ideas… Natural persona could see it in his eyes.

"I propose we go with Origin. The rest of Team Seven doesn't know the rest of us all that well…" Yamanaka spoke up calmly. 'Origin' being the nickname for the natural persona… for obvious reasons.

"You just don't want a Yamanaka poking around in here! Coward." Uchiha accused.

"Would _you_ want an actual Yamanaka poking around in here?" Yamanaka queried, motioning around vaguely. "This isn't exactly 'normal'. I think we would be locked away somewhere dark… forever…"

"I second Yamanaka's decision." Aburame finally spoke up, once again reminding the Council that yes, he was indeed there… "I would not have us jeopardize our chances of becoming Chunin."

Nara and Akimichi shared a look before nodding their heads. Akimichi was stuffing his face… as usual. No rhyme or reason to it; it was just mental projections…

"Akimichi and I third and fourth that decision. And seeing as how Origin is grinning away over there, that at least brings the vote to five… a majority in our favor."

Inuzuka scowled before looking off to the side stubbornly.

"I guess I gotta be loyal to the 'Hokage'…"

"I will also agree to this decision." Hyuga smirked at Uchiha's surly expression. Clearly _he_ was not in favor of going the traditional route, and that was precisely why Hyuga cast his vote in with the rest. Hyuga would always side against Uchiha, they just didn't get along. At all.

There were a few moments of silence for Uchiha to accept his defeat gracefully and side with everyone. When there was nothing but clenched fists, the gnashing of teeth, and a gloomy, dark aura hanging about Uchiha, Nara decided to try and speed the meeting to a hasty conclusion.

"Okay, since there are seven votes, let's just…"

"I invoke Article Seventeen!" Uchiha roared in defiance, standing up in his chair and a hot fire burning in his eyes. _All_ of the other seven personalities heaved a sigh at Uchiha's typical tenacity.

"Damn it, Uchiha! Just once can't you let it die?!" Nara groaned while certain personalities were gearing up for another Council battle to decide who would keep the Hat. Really, it was just reminiscent of the kinds of brawls you see in bars and the like, because they couldn't use Jutsu in Naruto's mental mindscape.

For those of you who don't know, Article Seventeen is an option left to the minority when Council decisions are being made. Because the persona who holds the Hat gets the last say in any Council meeting, he can overturn any decisions in that meeting no matter how logical they may be. Article Seventeen was designed for special emergencies, such as when some persona gets a crazy idea in his head, and the majority is foolish enough to go along with him; the saner minority could then invoke Article Seventeen and get the chance to overturn that decision before it's too late.

… Obviously Article Seventeen had _not_ been used for that purpose yet.

The only rule about Article Seventeen battles? No alliances. You all have to fight one another to get possession of the Hat. And really, why wouldn't you want it? The Hat was **orange**. Dattebayo.

"Let's just get this over with…" Nara sighed dramatically before they all lunged at each other and kicked up a thick cloud of dust with their brawling.

* * *

 _\- Hours later… -_

Origin was clutching his Beloved while everybody else nursed their wounds. He'd won again, naturally, dattebayo. No one was ever going to take the Hat away from him. **Ever**. While most of them were bandaged up like mummies, Uchiha was in a full body cast while lying on a hospital bed and glaring heatedly at the other seven personalities. No, they didn't ally against him, but they used him as a damn doormat in their mad scramble to beat each other up to win the damn Hat.

It wasn't fair!

"As I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted…" Nara glared pointedly at Uchiha. Similar to Origin, Nara wasn't too badly off after the brawl. They'd both learned early on that if you wanted any chance at the Hat, you needed to let the other idiot personas beat each other up, and _then_ swoop down on the weakened victor(s) like a vulture. Thankfully, Nara did not care much who wore the Hat so long as it wasn't **Uchiha** … or Hyuga. The others… or himself… ehhh. It was good in Origin's hands for now. "Let's move onto more new business. Updating the Sexy Jutsu, which we've _somehow_ kept a secret for so long… Any thoughts on modifications?"

And just like flipping a light switch, all the personas seemed chummy with one another, eagerly sharing ideas instead of heatedly arguing with one another. They most certainly did _not_ have perverted grins as they brought up mental projections of what they'd thought up… Nope. This was an Anti-Pervert Jutsu. Believe it!

* * *

 **Author's Note: It had to be done. It just had to be done. XD Treat this as an omake, or how Naruto really makes decisions in his head, I don't care. I had fun. The last bit was most certainly** _ **not**_ **inspired by checking out Fairy Tail for the first time in the past week or two… Nope. Nothing pervy about that show at all…**

 **In all honesty, though, I might just write a Fairy Tail fic someday. If only for Erza, who's gotta be my absolute fav character… Sooo much like Kushina. XD**


	13. Chapter 13

The day of the Chunin Exam Finals came faster than anyone expected. And what a blissful month interim it had been. Team Seven had been conspicuously absent, much to some people's ire (The Clan Heads and their children), but also to the delight of many (Civvies, shinobi, didn't matter; everyone who had to suffer Team Seven's eccentricities were _rejoicing_ ). In truth, Anko-sama had simply taken her team into the Forest of Death for a month-long survival sabbatical. Only the Utterly Brilliant and Beautiful Anko-sama would describe it in such a way.

"Survival Sabbatical" indeed.

Gaara's Seal was fixed, as Jiraiya promised. Now that Shukaku wasn't intermixing with Gaara's own thoughts and Chakra so much, the One-Tailed tanuki was a lot more neutral in regards to the redhead. Oh, he was still pissy about being contained in a human host, but he wasn't so demanding of blood. Because honestly, if you couldn't experience the act of killing through your host, there wasn't really a point to demanding for blood. No, Shukaku was now demanding sake. Lots and looots of sake. Because now he was sober enough to realize that he was pretending to be a human brat's _mother_ of all people while demanding for blood. … That just sounded like a really messed up woman on her period, if you left it at that. On top of which, Gaara was developing quite the Siblings Complex, and while that was funny for a few days, it was starting to become… disturbing. A young boy with homicidal urges suddenly having an overprotectiveness for his brother and sister? It was just not done.

Sarutobi didn't know whether to be happy or furious with Anko. On the one hand, her taking Naruto on that "Survival Sabbatical" without advanced warning forced him to adjust the rotation for Naruto's adoptive families, because Shikaku had whined how unfair it was that his Clan was skipped in the rotation. This in turn brought more whining protests from the other Clans, who wanted the rotation to stay as-is. Sarutobi failed to see what the problem was; it was only forestalled a month with Naruto's absence. He had to acknowledge that the Naras weren't getting a turn, and had to rectify it.

So that was annoying to deal with.

On the other hand, Team Seven's absence overall resulted in a drastic decline of his nefarious, diabolical, longtime archrival, the dreaded paperwork. People weren't traumatized so much when Team Seven wasn't in the village proper. Go figure. On the flipside, what little paperwork there was… tended to be reports on all the wild parties that were being thrown in Team Seven's absence. Sarutobi thanked the stars that the village was still manageable under these conditions, because people were that celebratory about it. Even his… not-so-adorable-anymore grandson had gone and broken into his not-so-secret sake stores and gotten inebriated. Do you even _know_ how obnoxious an eight-year-old can be with a hangover?! _Do you_?!

The silver lining to all of this was that Kakashi was 'easier' to force into those therapy sessions with Team Seven gone. That is to say, Kakashi was not informed of where Anko had taken Naruto, and so he was turning the village upside down looking for the blond. In his desperate searching, he was not so on-guard against various Jonin and Anbu who were dispatched to make sure he got to those therapy sessions. Now, getting Kakashi to actively participate in those therapy sessions, _that_ was still a chore. It took Itachi Uchiha of all people to be there to lull Kakashi into a coherent haze.

And even then, they weren't making much progress with him…

Talks had gone well with the Kazekage and the Hidden Sand, at least. Sarutobi was now funneling all those mission requests from the Wind Daimyo back to the Hidden Sand, so now they shouldn't be so desperate. It kind of helped that Jiraiya had been Sarutobi's liaison, because Orochimaru had made an attempt on the Kazekage's life. That, admittedly, was a downside because Jiraiya was only able to repel his former teammate, not kill him. So the Snake Sannin was now aware that _they_ were aware of his plans for Invasion. That might be enough to force Sarutobi's wayward student to call off the attack, but the aged Kage wasn't going to hold his breath.

If anything, Orochimaru would call in the cavalry from elsewhere now. Maybe from that flowery-cloaked assassin club he joined up with from a while back. Kami knew that Orochimaru was a tenacious sonuvabitch that wanted his head for picking Minato over him for Hokage

Regardless, Sarutobi didn't have as many misgivings as he did at first. Hidden Sand was going to be helping repel whatever Invaders Orochimaru threw their way, and Kabuto Yakushi was all too forthcoming with information. The biggest thing they'd have to worry about would be that Reanimation Jutsu that Orochimaru had been experimenting with. The good news was that Orochimaru couldn't summon an army with that technique yet; the very best he'd managed while Kabuto was around was the first two Hokage – and while that in itself was troublesome, the good news was that they weren't at peak capacity.

Orochimaru still had a looong way to go in mastering Impure World Resurrection.

* * *

So yeah. The day of the Finals arrived, and a lot of the villagers were flocking to the emergency shelters in the Hokage Monument. Not because of the imminent Invasion – they weren't quite made aware of that yet – but because Team Seven was back in the village proper. And of course they would be unleashing Hell in that stadium, so only the brave few would be going there to see how the matches panned out.

But enough about the wimps. The Third Exam was just beginning, and Shikamaru and Kankuro were down in the arena while the rest of the competitors were up in a special area reserved for them. None of the Hidden Leaf Genin seemed to be paying Temari and Gaara any mind – even if they were not-cowering in a corner opposite of Team Seven. They weren't cowering. Really. They were just keeping their distance out of… respect. Yeah.

"There are no rules, but when a match is over, it is over. Got it…?" Itachi looked between the competitors, making a Sharingan Patented Glare with each before starting the match. Itachi then disappeared in a flock of crows, and the Genin sprang into action.

Kankuro brought out his 'prized' puppet, but the moment he manipulated it to attack Shikamaru, the lazy Nara made use of Shadow Possession Jutsu to take control of it. The puppeteer twitched when the Nara smirked and turned around, prompting _his_ puppet to turn toward him. Shikamaru walked back a few steps, and then dished out some bitch slaps; the puppet mimicked him, and Kankuro got them to the face. Then Shikamaru brought his knee up harshly, and Kankuro's balls suffered for it – the puppeteer was literally brought to his knees.

Shikamaru finished it by swiftly bringing his head down, forcing the puppet to do the same and render its owner unconscious from the impact. Itachi reappeared a few moments later, after Shikamaru had released his Jutsu and Kankuro and his puppet had crumpled to the ground. The Uchiha genius felt a modicum of respect for Shikamaru's efficient way of steamrolling through the match, and so gave a nod of acknowledgement.

"Winner: Shikamaru!"

Two medic-nin came and hauled Kankuro away on a stretcher, and the next two competitors came down for their match. Sasuke and Hinata. Up in the Genin box, Temari was shooting Gaara a concerned glance.

"Gaara… are you alright?" She knew all about the way males tended to feel "phantom pains" when it came to injuries to the balls of people they knew regularly. As strange as that concept was.

Gaara did not seem affected in the least, though.

"I am fine…" Gaara rasped, feeling no need to alert his sister to the fact that his… 'equipment' was effectively protected with his Sand Armor. This included shielding the balls from "phantom pains".

The redhead promptly returned to ignoring his sister in favor of observing the next match. That Uchiha might have been the 'weak link' on that team of monsters in his mind – compared to that pink-haired witch that had traumatized his siblings, and the blond who, well… he'd heard rumor that he was the one responsible for exploding that snake in the Forest of Death, and to top it off, he was a Jinchuriki just like him.

Yeah. Uchiha was definitely the 'weak link' in his mind. But if he was on that team, then he must've had his own strengths that set him apart from, like, everybody… Best to see what he could do now than later, when they might fight… Never mind the fact they were on opposite ends of the tournament bracket.

"Looks like Sasuke's up." Sakura smiled at her blond teammate, who was leaning on the railing and looking out at the arena.

"Yeah. I just hope he doesn't hurt Hinata too badly. Her Sensei babies her enough as it is."

"True…" Sakura muttered with a miniscule frown. Anko-sensei's designated surveillance missions of the other rookie teams revealed as much. Y'know, the ones where they were supposed to spy on the other teams without getting caught; if they got caught, Anko-sensei had plausible deniability, and would leave them out to dry.

That kind of thing spurred them to, well, not get caught. And they didn't, even when spying on a tracker team like Team Eight. It kind of helped that Anko-sama taught them tricks to work against clans with tracking abilities like the Inuzuka and Aburame. Hinata might have spotted them once or twice, but she was a sweet enough girl to not rat them out.

A little further away, Kiba was talking with Shino.

"Ain't it weird how we're slated to fight two of those Sand kids?"

"Isn't it weird that Naruto's teammates are slated to fight against the only two Hyuga in this tournament?" Shino deadpanned in return. Everyone knew the matches were randomized.

Kiba grumbled at that snappy comeback, but didn't comment any further. It was just weird, that's all.

Back down in the arena, Itachi had cleared the field, and Sasuke and Hinata were just getting into it. What _should_ have been a match between the Byakugan and the Sharingan turned into a match between a close-ranged fighter and a swordsman. A swordsman with a bigass sword. The Executioner's Blade.

"Wow. Compensating much?" Hinata jeered, and then blinked. Was… was Naruto-kun really affecting her that much? He was a brother, technically, but still… that… she didn't say things like that. She was supposed to be the innocent, adorable one of the Rookie Nine.

Sasuke, who was used to such antics from his blond teammate, was only mildly annoyed with the insult. It was an attack on his manhood for sure, but Sasuke knew whose ass he really had to kick for influencing _Hinata_ of all people in such a manner. Naruto was an Uchiha, and his younger brother… technically… This simply set a bad example, and had to be rectified.

Immediately.

"I'll give you one chance to surrender." Sasuke exuded an air of confidence. He narrowed his eyes when Hinata did not react satisfactorily.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke, but this is a match most exigent. If I lose here, Kurenai-sensei will coat me in bubble wrap every time there's a mission. I won't be allowed on a C-Rank until I'm thirty!"

Sasuke winced in sympathy, having personally witnessed Kurenai-sensei's… coddling through those surveillance missions. Well, hopefully the Proctors would show mercy and promote her to Chunin, because Kami knows that if this went on for longer than a couple minutes, he would be viewed as the 'weak link' of Team Seven. Which would annoy him to no end.

He wasn't weak. Naruto and Sakura were just borderline demons because of their drives. A few more years and they might transcend that line. For Naruto, his brother, that shouldn't be surprising considering the **Demon Fox** in his gut… but Sakura? A former civvie with a Fangirl Complex? Who _still_ had that complex (what do you think drives her?)? That just made her all the creepier…

* * *

The match was short, brutal, and had all the Uchiha (including Naruto) rolling around and moaning about their balls. Because Hinata did not go to the jugular, she went for the testicular. With her Sixty Four Palms. The Executioner's Blade did a fine job of blocking the first ten strikes, but Hinata pounded her way through and got to her 'prize', ultimately beating Sasuke Uchiha into submission.

The Proctor bemoaned how his Foolish Little Brother never got to learn how to use his little 'Kusanagi', while Hinata basked in the praise and cheering of the audience and, most importantly, Naruto-kun, who came down to the arena and… Well, it stopped being PG at that point. Let's just say that. No one complained about Naruto making out with Hinata right then and there – hell, Jiraiya could be heard characteristically cheering his godson on.

Yeah. This is what happened.

* * *

… No, not really. In truth, Sasuke had hit Hinata with a Genjutsu before the match properly began (before her Byakugan were activated), and had been declared the victor just a few seconds after the match started. He'd had to drag Hinata back to the Genin Box, though, because he didn't trust Kurenai-sensei not to coddle Hinata in her unconscious state.

Normally, Sasuke might catch some flak for ending the fight before it truly began, but guess who the friggin' Proctor was? Sasuke could probably get away with just about anything with him as the Proctor.

Sasuke had to wonder just where his simple Genjutsu was leading Hinata, because as he dragged her up the stairs, she was beginning to drool. The Genjutsu only told Hinata that she had won; how she won, what happened afterwards, her own imagination was supposed to fuel that. It made this Genjutsu a particularly dangerous one, because who would ever want to break out of something pleasant they imagined up?

As Sasuke watched Hinata drool and pervertedly giggle in her slumber, he was beginning to wonder if this Genjutsu should be placed in the Forbidden Scroll. The fact that the Brilliant Anko-sama taught it to him should have been his first clue… "You need Genjutsu that don't rely on the Sharingan" his ass. Anko-sama just wanted to laugh her ass off at her student dragging around victims living out their perverted fantasies…

* * *

"Y'know, Anko, ya could have told your kid to go easy on white-eyes. Even though you sent Kurenai to get popcorn so that she wouldn't be here personally to see her kid lose, she's still going to act like a mother hen toward her." Asuma pointed out factually. Of course Anko waved him off.

"Eh, Hinata's fine! She's gonna be a lot better off than Guy's white-eyes brat. And who knows who Naruto will square off against?" Anko chirped, knowing full well that the matches would only get more intense from here. She smirked slyly at Asuma. "Oh, and nice try with training your brats to be like mine. At least the Nara brat's match was fucking hilarious."

Asuma sweatdropped. Kami help them if two of the Demon Brats of the Hidden Leaf ('lovingly' called so by the civvies of the village) squared off against each other in the Semifinals or something. Asuma might have to skip town if that happened.

Fingers crossed that Orochimaru broke up the tournament before it got to that point…

* * *

 **Author's Note: Two down, five to go for the Preliminary Round. Next time we get three matches (just so I can get to Sakura VS Neji). Team Seven matches are likely going to be OP like this; this is a crackfic, so don't try to apply logic too much. You'll only be hurting yourself. XD**

 **Next time ya might get to see a character that you mighta been wondering about… Fairy Tail is influencing my humor a bit now. :P**


End file.
